Partner unlikely to change

Q - I’m 35, living for one year with my boyfriend, 62. I was the nurse for his mom.

I initially refused to date him because of his age and “playboy” reputation. But I saw how great and responsible he is towards his parents and close people. We started dating three years ago.

We’re happy but he complains that I’m insecure. He’s been divorced for 12 years and still takes care of his ex. I admire this, but she thinks she’s his wife-for-life and says she loves him. I heard him replying, “I love you.”

He’s afraid of telling her that I’m in his life. Whenever he talks to her, he ignores me, not wanting “to hurt her.” When I say that I’m uncomfortable, he says I’m shutting down the people he cares for because I’m insecure.

Before we met, he had a fling with a woman who convinced him that he fathered her child, now three years old. He loves the child even though he’s not the father. He constantly communicates with the mother (in an island country) throughout the day claiming it’s just because of the child.

He owns a two-bedroom condo on her island. Mother and child stay in the guest room when he visits there, three-tofive nights every six weeks. With everyone he cares for, he says he loves them before he ends a call.

But on the phone with me, while he’s with the mother and child, he’ll never say it even though he’s shown me a text proving the woman knows I’m with him. When I comment about it, he says it’s my problem. I should be secure because he lives with me. Yet from the moment he wakes he’s on his phone all day — the first names on it are the child’s mother and his ex-wife.

We both don’t work anymore. He owns/rents out properties, has employees, yet his constant excuse is, “I’m working.”

Whenever, I ask for a little attention, he gets mad at me.

He said that though he loves me he can’t marry me because I’m so insecure especially about the two women in his life. He’ll stare at good-looking women. But I’m not allowed to talk/look at other men because he thinks it’s disrespectful. He has a yacht and I can’t look at other men’s yachts (I don’t) because he says it’s insulting to him.

I’m fully committed to him and he has access to my phone anytime.

Though together a lot, the majority of that time he’s on his phone. The longest he’s off it is when we’re having sex. He even wants me to drive so he can be on his phone and still work. Is it wrong to feel threatened and be jealous? I love him, but he and these two women call each other, “Baby” and “Doll.”

Am I Insecure?

A - He’s given you reasons to feel insecure, but you’ve also chosen an unusual, insecure situation: You knew from early dating that he’s a generoushearted “playboy” type, close to his ex-wife, an ex-girlfriend and his accepted child.

You must’ve soon learned that he has an expansive keepbusy lifestyle juggling property, employees, yacht care, trips to an island getaway, plus responsibilities to other people, and is controlling with you.

He’s told you he loves you. And you love him. If you want this to last, you’d have to accept that he’s unlikely to change.

Otherwise, you’re young enough to have more chances at finding love again.

Q - My husband and I married at 27. He wants children almost immediately and I’m not ready.

He’s in a minimal-wage job. I’ve started my career path. He wants our future children to be educated in his religion, which is linked to a much stronger culture than my religion and background.

He’s born here, city-bred and I’m a small-town girl. I don’t know anything about these separate religion-based schools.

How do we make such an important decision before we even have children and know their personalities?

Pressured and Worried

A - You’re not only “not ready” to parent, you’re seriously unprepared to determine how you’ll raise them. Do not accept this pressure. You need to ask questions from informed, unbiased people about what the religionbased schools teach.

He should be willing to pursue that research, too, comparing the approach and curriculum to that of non-secular schools in your locale.

If he’s unwilling, the marriage will face other such problems.

ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY

Choosing a partner with commitments to his/her past loves builds relationship insecurities that’ll likely persist.