Respect essential to relationships

Q – I’m a divorced professional woman whose beloved sister lives in another country. She has been like my mother since our mother suffered from mental illness and died years ago.

I’ve tried hard to be kind to my sister’s husband, but he is very controlling. Although she is a high-level professional and manages their financial concerns, he doesn’t like her to travel to visit me.

I’ve visited her three times over five years although I’m very financially strapped. When I’m there, he is rude, demanding. He also has his relatives over, excluding me. When I stay in a hotel, my sister rarely visits me without him because he insists that he needs to come along.

He hates my town, makes fun of my financial state, and my "alternative lifestyle." He does nothing for himself (or others) and demands that my sister accompanies him everywhere.

Their son exhibits similar behaviour but has a diagnosed mental illness, so I’m convinced that his father does too. But my sister refuses to acknowledge this.

She’s exhausted, and unwell. She won’t discuss the situation but says she tries to be positive and hates it when people raise unhappy topics.

What can I do to help and see my dear sister?

Missing My Sibling

A-The help you think she needs is at direct odds with what you want. Insisting she visits you will push her away.

She’s unwilling to challenge her husband’s wishes and may also be protecting her son from stress over this issue.

Stay connected through email, Skype, private letters. When you can visit, accept her situation, and make the best of whatever time you have together.

ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY

To have closeness with relatives, respect for each other’s needs and situations must be equal.