Time for younger sister to grow up

Q - My youngest sister experimented with drugs from her early-teens, dressed provocatively, etc. Our whole family was relieved when a really nice guy became her boyfriend. But she cheated on him repeatedly through high school and even after they married when both 21. They divorced four years later. He couldn’t take it anymore.

Now 42, she’s still in-and-out of relationships, volatile when she thinks her partner’s cheating (some have) or looking elsewhere if her life gets “too calm”.

She has finally met her match, a strong-minded guy who keeps suggesting they get involved in group sex. She agreed in order to hang onto him, then backed out and had to be restrained physically by my other sister who’d dropped by unexpectedly.

This same man tells her that he loves her but clearly adds that he’s “not a one-womanguy”. She’s telling everyone that they’re going to get married and deluding herself that he’ll be faithful.

I fear the next blow-up will be the worst, that she’ll react violently and police may be called or that she’ll have a breakdown when he leaves.

He’s not the type to put up long with heavy drama.

I’m the older brother whom the family expects to look after her. What can I do?

My Sister’s Protector

A – She’s 42 and needs a professional therapist helping her learn to protect herself. She’s so used to thinking she’ll be “saved” by others that she keeps playing with fire.

Say that you love her but can’t respect her choices. She repeatedly puts herself in danger, gaining neither wisdom nor self-respect from her experiences. Be firm that unless she gets into a process of counselling sessions, she’ll have to rely on herself when next in trouble for behaving aggressively.

Then, offer to go with her for the first one or two sessions, so that she understands that you’re supporting her this time in the only way that can save her from herself.

Q - My husband and I, together for 20 years, have three children.

He has become very toxic: game addicted, porn addicted, explosive anger, never grown up. I can’t talk back to him. He broke our wall; I’ve shut up since. He’s uninvolved in family life, off by himself playing video games.

I had serious health issues while putting up with his abuse, his sexual fantasies and raising children all alone.

I caught him inappropriately engaging with a 20-year-old woman. He says he forgot he was married and has children.

I risked my life and confronted him with evidence.

It’s time to end this marriage. I’m done being threatened about my every action and statement.

He’s trying to change but I’m too tired. I don’t want to trap him. He can go date girls half our age and fulfil his fantasy life. Separation’s better for both of us.

But what about the kids? Ending It

A - What about the kids? is the decisive litmus test of your motivation to separate. The answer is: Abuse is more harmful.

His threats and outbursts at you affect the children, too. There’s already no closeness between them and their father, according to your account.

Twenty years of you being afraid to speak up, of raising kids alone while your husband indulges in cheating, fantasies and addictions is far too long.

Get family counselling during the separation process, even if he won’t go with you and the children. Mediation can also help you two come to the most workable child custody arrangements and limitations regarding his behaviour.

ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY

Separating a family is a tough decision. But accepting physical/ emotional abuse, fear and cheating is worse.