Practical reasons for sharing travel plans

Q - My husband and I divorced a year ago, as amicably as possible, despite the mutual disappointment after 16 years together.

Our kids (early and midteens) adjusted pretty well, with some counselling and a lot of attention/love from both of us.

They spend equal time with us; we both go to their important school and sports events.

I recently heard through the ongoing gossip mill about us, that my ex travelled to the East Coast (far) to meet a woman he’d recently talked to online.

Basically, she’s a stranger he’s meeting in person for the first time.

He usually tells me and/or the kids where he’s going and his hotel information, if he has to work out-of-town.

Not this time. If anything had happened to him neither I, nor the kids, have any idea where he might be.

Obviously, I don’t really approve of rushing to meet someone so far away about whom you know only what he/she’s said, but that’s not the point.

It’s this: I care about him. I don’t want him to be made a fool of or worse.

Also, it’s a safety issue that we know where he is, as the father of our kids.

Should I confront him when he returns? I feel I have that right.

Worried Ex-Wife

A - I get it that you’re concerned, your divorce is relatively recent and you two still share not only the children but also regular contact regarding them.

But, No, you no longer have the right to confront him about his travels to meet another woman.

That would be a bad approach. Besides, if the gossip mill knew about it, some close friend of his surely did know where he was going.

Instead, be honest. Say that you care about his well-being.

Then, say that even in new situations, which are his private business, you or the children need to know how and where to reach him in case of an emergency.

Not every divorced pair would agree with this approach or be able to handle it.

But it’s likely that you two can, and that’s a healthy plus for how you, he and your children will handle other changes bound to come over time.

Q - My husband and I are both working, and we’re pretty equal in our education, jobs and home life.

We’ve become friends socially with a couple in which the woman was once my husband’s boss. She has moved on to become even more of a powerhouse in another company, far beyond her own husband in status.

We see them about once a month and find him to be a terrific guy. While we still admire her (and she can be fun, too) we feel uncomfortable when she finds ways to point out that she’s top dog in their marriage.

We don’t want to lose the friendship. How can we let her know that she doesn’t need to remind us that she’s in charge at home? Her husband laughs it off, but we feel uncomfortable.

Too Much Information

A - Maybe the husband laughs because he doesn’t care. Maybe they have a great sex life. You can’t know for sure what works in another couple’s life.

Also, maybe it bothers you both because your husband dealt with her attitude at work.

It’s unlikely you can change this woman. If you continue a social friendship, find a humorous way to minimize the effect, e.g., a gentle “Yes, boss,” said with a smile when she makes a strong statement. Worth a try.

Q – I’m a happily married gay man with great friends. My parents love me and like my husband but haven’t fully accepted my sexual identity.

As a result, we moved out west to live openly and honestly. My parents visit only rarely, and it’s always awkward if we visit them.

How do I get my parents to just “get over it”?

Awkward Relations

A - Be yourselves, enjoy your life and marriage, stay in touch with your parents through email and Skype and hope that time helps them see how lucky they are to have a son so satisfied with his life.

Some parents of gay couples become more accepting when a grandchild arrives. Others never get past their discomfort at what’s “different” from their own lives.

You two can only be steadfast in quietly demonstrating that you’d both like to be closer with them but cannot and will not change who you are.