Boyfriend needs treatment
Q — My boyfriend of 18 months and I have a great relationship except regarding sex.
I’m 27, he’s 30, we both had previous relationships, but his were short-term. I’d been with the same boyfriend for four years.
Our sex problem has to do with intercourse. The minute he gets near me, he’s finished. He can’t keep an erection past even a minute of intercourse.
I know it’s called premature ejaculation but when I try to discuss it with him, he goes silent, says it’s not a problem or turns it on me that I’m too tense (I’m not).
We haven’t been able to have a decent conversation about this, ever.
He’s a wonderful guy who loves me and takes care of me in every other way. But he insists that he’s right about everything in his life and especially about this sex problem.
It’s turning me off. I almost dread going to bed with him, knowing it’s a one-minute event that leaves me frustrated and him defensive.
Even if he makes oral love to me, I tense up for when he tries to have intercourse. It’s sometimes over even before it begins.
He won’t see a doctor, won’t acknowledge that it’s his problem, always insists that it’s mine. I know he loves me. What should I do?
Bad Sex
A— Your boyfriend’s problem is as much about his stubborn pride as his premature ejaculation (PE).
It’s understandable that he feels awkward about it but unacceptable that he refuses to see a doctor or to try ways to improve your intimacy together.
Some facts, from the website https://www.urologyhealth.org/:
In the U.S., about 1 in 3 men ages 18 to 59 have problems with PE. It’s often thought to be psychological, but biology may also play a role.
When a man’s sexually stimulated, signals are sent to his spinal cord and brain. When a certain level of excitement’s reached, signals from his brain go to his reproductive organs, causing semen to be released through the penis (ejaculation).
Though the exact cause of PE is unknown, serotonin, a natural substance made by nerves, may be involved.
High amounts of serotonin in the brain increase the time until ejaculation. Low amounts can shorten the time and lead to PE.
Mental health issues can also be involved, such as temporary depression, stress, guilt, unrealistic expectations about sexual performance, a history of sexual repression and relationship problems.
Unfortunately, your problem is that he wont talk about it. And thats already distancing you.
If he persists in ignoring the problem plus trying to blame you, this relationship’s also premature. It won’t last.
Q — Does everyone with a relationship problem require counselling? It sometimes seems that way from your answers.
Need Other Solutions
A - I agree that we all need other solutions to relationship problems besides or instead of counselling and I’ve advised them many times.
Here are the early essentials: Willingness to talk about the issue and listen to the other person’s side. Plus, the ability to accept your own contribution to the problem(s).
Add, openness to making changes in your own behaviour, and sometimes in lifestyle.
An ongoing interest in learning new ways of relating, showing love, trust and the ability to compromise.
When two people can handle those approaches to problem solving, they can work on their relationship or recognize when it’s not going to get better.
However, without those capabilities, many people would benefit from couples’ counselling, individual therapy, sex therapy, anger management and other appropriate professional help.
Q— I was happily married for over 35 years. My husband/soulmate passed with me holding his hand. He’d had a heart attack.
I joined a dating site, not looking for love, just a new gentleman friend with no strings attached.
I just want good, stimulating conversation, a man with whom, to go out to dinner or sightseeing. Am I being unreasonable?
Widow Wants Male Company
A— There’s nothing unreasonable here, just high standards shared by countless other widows, divorcees and mature, independent singles.
It’s a question of luck with some dating-app skill required.
Study profiles and then hone your own to describe yourself and say what you want in an honest, friendly way.
Become astutely selective. Widows sometimes attract fortune hunters. Consider wide age differences as problematic (until you know someone).
If interested in someone, meet early, in a public place (not your home) and tell someone close to call and check in with you. Good luck.
Ellie’s tip of the day: If a couple can’t discuss their sex problem, they’re unlikely to stay together.