Partner addicted to porn
Q— My loving, caring husband had an escort/prostitute to his hotel room during his business trip.
He’d done this before we were married, so I let it go. But I always suspected him because he’s addicted to porn.
I get angry, but he cannot stop himself. Whenever he’s bored or alone, he watches porn and masturbates. When asked/caught, he denies it.
Our sex life was great. Then, I recently discovered a photo of the prostitute which he took while she was naked. He said this was his first time and it’ll never happen again.
I felt deeply troubled, hurt and betrayed. I wanted to leave-separate-divorce him but because of my kids (daughter, 16, and son, 11) I couldn’t do it.
I forgave him and decided to move on till my kids are old enough, but I’m unable to forget. This incident keeps bothering me.
Our sex life isn’t the same anymore, he doesn’t initiate or show any interest. Should I be concerned?
Troubled Wife
A — Yes, it’s time for concern and help because a turning point has been reached.
He has been a loving/caring husband (and presumably a good father), but his sex addiction to porn crossed the line to inperson sex with a prostitute.
His withdrawal from sex with you is worrisome.
Maybe he’s embarrassed/feels guilty, but if so, he needs to deal with it.
If you two lose your previously close connection, it’ll affect all your feelings about the marriage, and he’ll seek sexual gratification either through porn or other people, even more.
You must both deal with this, immediately. He should see a sex therapist about his addiction.
His denials of masturbating to porn cannot be accepted. With a teenager and an adolescent in the house, he’ll inevitably be caught.
If he agrees to therapy, and your sex life resumes as before, forgive him anew. Something’s been driving him to this addiction (as with any other). When you both learn what it is, and if he’s willing to work at overcoming it, you can, together, save your marriage.
Q— My partner and I have lived together for a couple of years in a blended family of five children ages 17 to 9, in a home with limited space.
We both have jobs and work our butts off with no financial help from our ex’es. Our kids mostly get along except for the two eldest of each family.
How do we impress them to be more helpful, more understanding? Overworked and Frustrated A — The adjustment for you and your partner has been challenging, but it’s far more so for your older children.
You two chose this change to shared living, they didn’t. They’re still dealing with divorce, a new step-parent and step-siblings, while also finding their own place with friends and in their school life, as teenagers.
It’s a lot to handle. You can best teach “understanding” by modelling it.
I get it that you both return from work tired and have many personalities to please, feed, deal with homework, etc.
Each should ask your older child what he/she thinks would help – e.g. time alone with their own parent when the younger kids have gone to bed?
Discuss their choosing one important task ñ e.g. an activity with the younger kids which relieves you two.
Highlight their special interests and importance in the family by taking everyone to the basketball game of one, the band night of the other, etc. Counselling may be needed. Ellie’s tip of the day: When a porn-addicted partner suddenly stops a pattern of great sex in the marriage, the couple must finally confront the addiction.