Family divided after brother steals from mother

Q

- My husband discovered that his brother, who’s his only sibling, had been taking money fraudulently from their mother’s bank account.

She’s in a long-term care home, and her sons shared Power of Attorney (POA).

His brother lives a couple of hours away in the same town as their mother, so he became the trusted family member who’d look after any of her needs that were not provided by the home.

However, a sizeable amount was taken in cash withdrawals, credit-card payments and purchases that weren’t made by an elderly woman in long-term care. The thefts occurred over almost two years.

My husband had his brother write a letter of apology and put back most of the money.

In return, he didn’t have him charged with fraud and had him give up the POA position he’d abused. My husband is now sole POA for his mom.

This incident has caused a family rift. Their grown children have only heard their parent’s version of what happened.

Do I discuss this with their children or say nothing so that they’ll try to continue to live their lives as before?

My children and immediate and extended family have seen the correspondence and know the facts.

I’m reticent to offer these to the brother’s children because I don’t want to destroy the relationship that still exists between my brother-in-law, sister-in-law and their adult children.

Stuck for an Answer

A

- This is a tough situation for a once-close family to handle.

Your husband acted generously by not having his brother charged. Yet I wonder if there was a conversation between them that explained the brother’s actions, e.g. a financial debt he didn’t know how to meet, a period of gambling, etc.

An honest confession of why he stole the money might’ve made it easier for all to get past. Of course, repayment was still essential as it’s needed for their mother’s costs of care.

Instead of talking to his children, I’d consider – and I know it may be difficult – reaching out to his wife.

You and she could stay above the focus on theft and talk instead about how to help her family heal and rise above family/community embarrassment.

Perhaps more people already know this story than was/is necessary.

Your husband’s brother made a bad mistake. Now that it has been corrected, your close and extended family could try rising above the rift.