Work together to achieve goals

Q- My girlfriend’s expecting a proposal on her 30th birthday next month. She’s so obvious, choosing an expensive, romantic restaurant just because it’s a special milestone.

I do love her. But I’m in a new job and want to feel secure in the company before I make major plans.

I can’t afford an engagement ring right now, though I know a ring is important to her.

I’d just like to just carry on living together and budgeting conservatively for a while.

But she’s going to be very disappointed and even think that I don’t love her or plan to marry her. How do I handle this birthday without losing her?

Worried Guy

A - Do NOT wait for her planned event!

Find time very soon to talk with her. Tell her you love her and plan to spend your life together.

Explain that this is a tight-finance time for you both because you need to build job security to afford the dreams you share, including your wedding.

Give her something to look forward to that is less problematic. Maybe a birthday gift of a weekend away in the country, where you both can relax and be romantic.

Maybe buy a promise ring that showcases your love and commitment but isn’t anywhere near the cost of a diamond engagement ring.

If she gets teary with disappointment during this talk, tell her it’s part of your love for her that you know she’s the life partner for you and does understand the practical realities right now.

Then tell her that you, too, are hoping for the time when you can both start the search to find the engagement ring she wants and for starting to make your wedding plans.

Q- My recently widowed grandmother in Europe keeps phoning/emailing my mother and me to complain that I’ll never get married.

I’m 29, with the same partner for eight years. We’re trying hard to find an affordable place to live together. But my grandmother doesn’t accept/understand that lifestyle in North America and keeps winding us up (especially me) and gossiping in her village about my likelihood of being alone forever. How can I stop her from talking about me as a failure?

Long-distance Harassment

A - When she calls/emails your mother about this, tell Mom you don’t want to hear about it.

When she reaches you, change the subject to ask how she’s managing on her own, how’s her health and is she getting out?

She’s lonely and focusing on her closest relatives and the huge distance from you and your mom. If she persists, tell her you and your partner have a loving life together. Period. Ellie’s tip of the day Working together to achieve your mutual dreams is what love is about, far more than an engagement ring.