Couple should move cautiously

Q — I’m a professional male, 31, on and off with my highschool sweetheart for many years, minus the last five.

We have a son, 6, whom we co-parent and raise very well together. They both lived in another city until last year. Since then, I’ve had my son full-time.

Her last relationship ended a year ago. We've been talking more and shared intimate moments recently.

She lives in a small town where she stayed for work. We’re both originally from a major city.

Now, she has decided she's had enough after eight years and wants to move back, a decision she made on her own.

We’ve talked and decided we have to take it very slowly if this’ll work.

She's been hurt before, both by myself and the last man.

I know where I am mentally and I'm ready to be with her. I know she’ll need time to heal and rebuild trust, etc.

Are the wounds too deep where she can't recover?

Will this work and can we become a happy family? Do you suggest counselling for both of us or individually? Cautious and Concerned

A — Yours is a hopeful story, but to be successful you need to be as cautious and concerned about your own handling of this plan, as much as she must.

In your own words, you hurt her. Perhaps that was because you initially got together so young. But whatever the reason, she’s had two men to distrust.

Counselling? Yes! It’s a positive sign to her and a positive move for both of you to get individual counselling and then couples’ counselling together.

Tell her the individual counselling is for each of you to recognize any mistakes of the past, for you to apologize for the hurt you know you caused, for her to accept that apology, and both to put all this behind you.

Next, couples’ counselling is wise to get you off to a solid start when you live together raising your son.

Each of you must adjust to no longer being the sole parent and find compromises in your jointparenting approach rather than sticking to old ways when each was on your own with him.

The boy will test you both because this is different and he may feel uncertain, even anxious about it.

He needs you two to be confident and positive about the move, to help him adjust. A process of counselling together will help you prepare, and during the period of everyone adjusting. Q — I’d been seeing this guy for three months. He’d cook for me, be there for me when I needed him, but he lied about being married.

I feel such a fool because he introduced me to some of his friends, an older brother and cousin.

We were also not friends on Facebook, which is where I eventually saw pictures of him and his wife and children.

I immediately tried calling him but he won’t answer. So I’ve blocked all communication with him.

He now tries to call me, but I ignore it. We were talking about having a future together. Is this something I should forgive? Deceived

A — No. Think of how his wife and kids were deceived, too. That’s exactly how he’d treat you some day if you forgave him and renewed a relationship.

He’d then know that you accept his cheating, because you’re so sure he won’t do that with you.

He already did by hiding the truth.

Ellie’s tip of the day: Reconnecting as a couple with a child you’d raised separately, after years apart, requires thoughtful planning and counselling help.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Send relationship questions to ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.