Communication key to relationship

Q-My wife and I haven't had sexual intercourse for almost one year. We’re both 58 and she's been experiencing health issues:

A stubborn three-month cough and cold, an abscess, and internal rectal haemorrhoid off and on for the last five months. Also, menopause, work stress and anxiety.

She retired recently while still battling those health issues.

We don’t have too many common interests. It's like being married to my sister. But it was totally different in our younger days (we married at 22).

She can be narrow-minded and difficult to talk to. We’re been to a marriage therapist in the past but didn’t follow the therapist’s advice.

How do I get my wife to open up and talk to me?

No Sex, No Discussion

A-Your wife’s recent health issues of an abscess and haemorrhoid (both painful), on top of menopause changes, have apparently made even the idea of sex remote and unappealing.

No surprise there. But your feeling, after 36 years of marriage, that you have few common interests, shows that this break from sex isn’t just about her current health.

It’s about both of you and the relationship.

You two could still have at least 20 good years together if you have the courage to tell her that you miss her and would like to work on the marriage.

But do not make your approach about missing sex. She needs to feel healthy again.

Meanwhile, both of you need to consider what interests you can now pursue together. Yes, that requires a current visit to a therapist, and you both presenting a common need for easier, better communication.

If you show your wife that your interest is in a better union, you’ll grow closer. In time, holding hands, cuddling and intimacy will likely follow.

Ellie’s tip of the day: It’s unsurprising when upsetting health issues curtail sexual activity. The relationship problem is that the couple don’t talk about it.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Send relationship questions to ellie@thestar. ca. Follow @ellieadvice.