Partner feeling overwhelmed

Q – We’re a gay couple, both 25, and living together for two-and-a-half years.

My partner struggled with coming out and was suicidal when he was young.

He left school and later had to attend adult school to finish. Now he’s at university but still struggles with depression and has difficulty focusing at school.

This adds to not believing in himself and thinking that he’s not good at anything.

He can only work in the summer so I must support him financially, which also makes him feel that he’s not helping out enough.

I suggested that he go to therapy, but he won't listen to me.

I work full time and go to adult school.

I try not to get stressed easily, but there's always so much to worry about due to my taking care of both of us.

Finances are always tight. But my main problem is that he’s depressed all the time and doesn't do anything about it.

His depression affects my mental health, too. Some days I'll be in a great mood but seeing him unhappy makes me sad.

He’s the best human being I’ve ever met. I want to help him, but I don't know what more I can do. Overwhelmed Partner

A - For both your sakes, recognize that partners are still two separate individuals.

Giving emotional and financial support is important, but if they override the ability to enjoy each other’s company, share some tasks, have some laughs and relaxation, the commitments become a burden.

That’s what’s happening here. You both could benefit from counselling, but this, too, could become stressful due to the time and costs involved.

Back off feeling responsible for getting him to seek therapy until he’s ready for it.

Then, he may find he can get it through student services at university at no or minimal cost or through an LGBTQ2S community organization.

As for the stresses in this relationship, they’re not uncommon. When he works in the summer, and does contribute financially, he should also share the tasks you handle when he’s preoccupied with school.

For your part, accept that he has bad moods, without adopting them. It’s not helping either of you.

You’re a caring partner, that’s all that’s needed.

Ellie’s tip of the day: When one partner’s emotionally stronger, the other still must share some couple-minded responsibilities.