My personalized e-flyer, decoded

I love a challenge.

And finally, I have one — it’s time to make sense out of something that makes no sense.

Just last week, I got my emailed “Personalized deals, picked just for you!” promotion from a major Canadian retailer.

I don’t shop at that particular retailer a lot, so I imagine the algorithm they’re using to calculate what I might like is running a little thin. But they did their best with what they had, I suppose.

Based on their choices, I’m not so pleased that they appear to think I’m a serial killer.

But, hey — challenge accepted! First off, it looks like they expect me to have to bulk up a bit before committing my crimes — victims can obviously be heavy. Either that, or one or more of the $49.99 30-lb set of vinyl coated fitness kettlebells is supposed to be used to dispatch my victim.

Then, there’s the messy job of, shall we say, disassembly.

For $99.99 I’ll have a brandnew Cuisinart meat slicer for a good part of the task, and perhaps some as-yet-undetermined use for the half-inch “NutBusting” impact wrench. (Maybe that’s the murder weapon, I don’t know. Some things you just have to decide on the fly, as circumstances dictate.)

After that, everything goes into the bathtub with just the right amount of $7.99 Drano Max Gel, which is, by the way, apparently “Great for standing water and stubborn clogs.” Not sure about body-rendering. (Judging by internet searches on chemicals for dissolving meat — found too much information for sure — it will take cases and cases of the stuff.)

Clearly, though, I’ll have some time to wait while everything breaks down sufficiently.

Luckily, for $29.99, I’ll have a delightful Dark Espresso Shinto Bar Stool to sit on. It’s got a lovely, simple design, and my nearest store has 26 of them in stock, which is a good thing.

Then, using my $79.99 1/3 horsepower submersible pump, I can suction up the liquid remnants into as many $12.99 Type A Clarity Shoe Boxes as I need to hold it all, powering the pump with my new half-price $11.99 Flexible cold-weatherrated extension cord. (The cord’s a hefty 16 and a half feet long and grounded, which is good, because if you zoom in on the label on the submersible pump, you can see that’s recommended.

I’d be happier if it had a circuit breaker, too, given all the wet, but I’m taking what I’m offered here.)

I don’t think I have to worry about fingerprints, as long as I keep my new $39.99 Bauer X:Edge hockey gloves on. (Colour: red; size: junior. The chart for the glove sizes suggests it might be a very, very tight fit. Luckily, I have small hands.)

Then, it’s just a matter of loading my goop-filled shoeboxes onto my new “Snowslider Foam Sled, 26 inches” (Great buy! — $24.99) for a few trips out across the snow-clad barrens to, shall we say, the final resting place.

By my calculations, I’ll be out $457.10 for the whole caper — plus HST, of course — or probably a little bit more, depending on how many Clarity Shoe Boxes I need to buy to, well, hold everything, and how many cases of Max Gel it all takes. And, at that point, I’ll have used every single special offer they’ve sent me — no word yet on what the total number of reward points going into my account will be.

And even then, the spending might not be a total loss. I’m not sure which of the products will be reusable, post-crime, or how much some of them might fetch on the old internet. “Like-new meat slicer! Only used once!” And there’s always exercise equipment for sale in the mere weeks it takes for New Year’s resolutions to fall by the wayside.

I might recover a fair amount of the initial outlay.

And that’s just this week’s special offers!

Let’s see what new adventure next week’s e-flyer brings.