Ill-advised decision

Nothing to be gained from reaching out to woman's husband

Q– I’ve had a long-term affair on my wife, with a woman whom I thought was single, but who has now revealed that she’s still married.

My wife now knows and I’m trying to reconcile with her.

But I want to reach out to the other woman’s husband.

She’s very lonely and seems stuck in a routine. She seemed to just want to have someone to talk with.

It began with us chatting, and when she found out we shared some interests, it became longer conversations.

She talked about the rut and routine her life was in, about her wanting to live in a special locale overseas and enjoy the life there, while also using her language skills.

She talked about being frustrated at being stuck in a small town here, as well as her fears of leaving.

She misses the past and how much more simple it was. She seemed lonely and wanted someone with whom to share her dreams and interests.

When things got more serious she said that she’d been married but that it didn’t work out.

I can also say that ours was not the first affair she has had. She often talked about the dalliances she had in the past. She seems genuinely sad, bored and alone.

When we last talked, I told her that I had to stop the affair and to try again with my wife.

She exploded that I was just a stand-in and admitted to me that she was still married. This was the first time that I knew about this.

It seemed that she’d arranged to meet with me while her husband was working.

Believe me, that, had I known that she was still married I would never have continued on with this affair.

Since finding this out I’ve spent months trying to fix things with my own wife, which has included admitting my own actions and adultery.

I am still struggling, both with my feelings for the other woman and trying to fix my own family. My wife had already suspected something.

— NEEDING GUIDANCE

A— Let me guide you directly into not contacting this woman’s husband.

You and she had a consensual affair. You’re now expressing regret and trying to work things out with your wife.

Your purpose in talking to her husband is unclear.

Somehow, you think the worrisome aspect of your adultery was the fact of her cheating on her husband, something you claim you’d never have been a partner to had you known she was married.

The logic on this is missing unless you fear he’ll harm you and wish to placate him.

Meanwhile, you included many details which I’ve not published here because they could have identified you and the woman.

My guidance here is to ask you this: What on earth was your purpose in trying to expose her?

It’s an ill-conceived attempt to make her look worse than you, despite a mutual decision to be unfaithful to your spouses.

It reveals your state of mind, now, as needing far more than this underhanded confession laced with blame by your writing names, places, etc. (all omitted here).

Instead, accept your full participation in this affair and undergo a process of professional counselling to find out why.

You’ll be a lucky man if your wife is willing to attend counselling with you, so she, too, can learn what drove you to this affair, and what’s needed between you now to repair your marriage and share trust within it.

Q- I’m working from home, while my wife is caring for our youngsters, ages four and two.

Our next-door neighbours have two middle-school sons, who’ve been learning remotely. Daily, when their schoolwork’s finished, they rush outside in high spirits to shoot basketballs at their hoop.

Their noise always peaks when our kids have their afternoon nap and my wife gets a rest break.

How do we handle this without harming a goodneighbour relationship?

— SLEEPLESS

A- The stay-home orders through months of the pandemic called for adjustments/ tolerance from everyone involved, including both you and the students who couldn’t be with their friends, play team sports or enjoy previous freedoms.

As confinement rules move toward easing, it’s better to sustain an amicable relationship with your neighbours and their sons (who might be old enough to babysit in several years), than to let frustration overwhelm you.

Try to adjust the nap time or relieve your wife for one hour.

ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY

In a fully consensual extra-marital affair, any blame rests with both parties. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday.