Potential moves send couple into turmoil
Q– I’m a man, 33, who started dating a woman, 30, over a year ago. We get along very well, share some common interests and also do our own things (I golf, she’s a runner).
We started living together last February before the pending lockdown because we both felt we were in love and would have a future together.
Now, there has been a surprising change in our situation. My partner has received a prestigious job offer in another part of the country. She says it’s “too important” for her to reject it.
My job situation is exactly what I want and enjoy, so I’m very reluctant to consider moving. She says that her new job’s a dream opportunity she can’t miss seizing.
Does this mean her “love” for me was only true if and when everything’s convenient? And now that it’s not convenient for her to stay with me where we are – and where she already has a job she seemed to enjoy – she can just toss our love-relationship away?
Shocked and Hurt
A- You two may’ve gotten along very well when everything was clicking along smoothly. But neither of you know how to handle a challenge.
I get it that she sprung this news on you suddenly and seemed already certain about moving far away. That was hurtful, and unwise.
She apparently thought you might also welcome a change of scene and job opportunity, especially if it means being together.
But you’ve been settled and secure, so your first reaction is to dismiss the idea.
Here’s another approach: You’re both still young enough, and without children so far, to at least consider several possibilities:
1. She moves to her new job, and you visit her for extended weekends or longer a couple of times.
2. She uses all opportunities for getaways to visit with you or you meet mid-way.
3. You both set a time limit on this experiment in loving but living apart.
4. Meanwhile, you at least look into whether, for the sake of being together, you seriously investigate opportunities for you to work where she’s located.
If you still love each other, just focus on finding the best, most workable way for being together.
Q– I’m a male, 45, who recently bumped into an old female friend. We’re always happy to see each other but never end up discussing our private lives.
We wished each other well. Then, as she walked away, I noticed that she looked really great.
Soon after, I met up with a mutual friend of that woman. I asked (since she’d looked different), “Did she lose 20 pounds or something?”
He said, “She lost 200 pounds! She kicked her husband out!”
My question: Why do people go into “fit” mode, the minute they get a divorce? Curious Guy
A– It’s a generalization on your part, so only sometimes true, that the burden a person has to shed to feel free and energetic, is that of a bad marriage.
Most people give their relationships some time to mature, to learn when compromise works better than arguing, to speak up when their partner’s unreasonable, controlling or worse.
But when divorce seems the only solution, even after counselling, it’s a proverbial “weight off the shoulders”. Despite the upheaval of change, there’s sometimes renewed energy and more positive feelings of self-worth.
Enter a desire for healthseeking, mind-refreshing overall fitness, whether from walking, a gym, a sport, yoga or meditation, etc.
Q- Everyone I know is jittery.
We parents who’ve sent our children off to school are up and down with our emotions – glad that the kids are happy seeing their friends and feeling “normal-ish” learning with their masks on. But we know they’re also scared because we are.
As soon as Ontario’s number of new COVID-19 cases hit 700 at the end of last month and three regions of Quebec were placed on “maximum alert”, the mortal dangers of a surge were brought home.
How do we carry on staying safe when others flout their rights to do as they please? Fearful Again
A- Follow the directives of public health officials, in their response to this second wave of coronavirus spread.
Though some moves may seem too little, or confusing, you already know what’s essential – wearing masks, frequent handwashing, social distancing and keeping your family bubble at a minimum instead of stretching its boundaries “just this once”.
Ellie’s tip of the day: For any loving relationship to endure, both partners must try to work out together how to handle any serious challenges.