Help needed to improve relationship

Q– I'm a woman, mid-40s with a "since-forever" close male friend who has premature ejaculation and won't see a doctor about it.

I broke up with him over it years ago. When my next relationships ended, he was always there for me, with love. But whenever we got physical, it's been the same story.

We're otherwise a "perfect" couple – similar tastes, shared sense of humour, a strong bond of trust.

I fear that if we now take it further, if the same thing happens, we won't stay friends.

How can I get him to resolve his problem so that we can have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship? Frustrating Friendship

A– His pride is keeping him uninformed about a problem that medical specialists say is common to one out of three men, and treatable.

Medications, counselling and sexual techniques, or a combination of these, can delay ejaculations and improve sex for both of you.

If there are added issues, such as early sexual abuse, abnormal hormone issues – the sooner he sees a doctor, the sooner he's helped.

Tell him to choose the future, and share a happy sex life with the woman he loves.

Dear Readers – Regarding the woman who had a sexual experience with a stranger a decade ago (Oct. 5):

Reader's Commentary

– It's a classic case of sexual abuse. The man was a prospective employer.

Most job-seekers prepare strenuously for the interview, with heightened emotions. They're in a vulnerable position. The employer's in a position of authority and respect.

Usually, there's a power imbalance in a job interview.

The woman wasn't told ahead that she'd be entering someone's private home. Inside, her vulnerability increases. This was the employer's predatory choice.

She immediately decided she didn't want to work for him. Perhaps a gut feeling, or he might've talked/behaved in an off-putting manner.

She doesn't know why she agreed to have sex. He didn't coerce her. The sexual act was unsatisfying to her, and she left never wanting to see him again. Told she might see him again, her physical reactions indicate fear and loathing.

Coercion was built into this situation. The higher the hopes for a new job, the higher the potential for the interview to be coercive.

Because of this, we now demand a higher standard of care for employers, and job recruiters.

This man likely had sexual relations many times in such a situation. My own experience of these matters suggests such people are often untrustworthy in other ways as well.

This person essentially cheats and uses people to get sexual gratification from the exercise of power and control.

The woman could tell herself it wasn't her fault. She was abused while looking for a job. Yet the interviewer likely anticipated/hoped for exactly that outcome.

If she can recognize the anger/outrage she ought to be feeling, she can then choose what to do about this longago brief occurrence.

She may or may not choose to reveal the abuse. She might frame her conversation very differently with her husband though, if she understood the experience more clearly.

She could say she had an unpleasant experience with the man which she doesn't want to discuss and wishes to never again see.

But her husband deserves a warning that he's meeting an unsavoury person who might do harm to others in his social circle.

She's not describing a social situation that got hot. She's detailing sexual abuse in an employment setting that was abusive.

She's a survivor, not a cheater.

FEEDBACK – Regarding a woman's cyclical moods, which struck me as being the same as my daughter's situation (Sept. 30):

Reader

– Two weeks of every month she's reasonable and sweet and the next two weeks she flies off the handle and is overly emotional. It's as cyclical as clock-work.

Your research brought you to bipolar disorder on the Mayo Clinic site. Members of my family had bipolar and it was cyclical too, but the cycles lasted for months.

My daughter did eventually come to recognize that she was having a problem with female hormonal problems.

Unfortunately, she has not pursued this. She is 34 and says she's too busy to chase after diagnoses. She is newly married, works and has a baby.

However, she is aware of her extreme reactions during two weeks of each month. That is a help. Eventually, life will force her to come to terms with this. Hopefully her marriage will survive.

Ellie's tip of the day:

Premature ejaculation? Medications and counselling can help resolve it.