Couple needs to talk about sexual concerns

Dear readers: We learn from each other. Your own trial solutions and research into personal problems help us all see potential strategies we haven’t yet tried.

Reader’s commentary regarding the issue of premature ejaculation (PE):

From my experience with my husband’s PE, the important first step is an honest, empathic conversation.

My husband’s and my problem with premature ejaculation resolved when I shared with him that it was OK to fail.

PE meant that it wasn’t a mechanical or arousal problem. It meant that I arouse him a lot, not the opposite.

Second, I had to be honest: I don’t always orgasm through intercourse.

That doesn’t mean that I won’t the next time.

And how long did I want intercourse to last? An hour (no thanks!)?

Third, I learned that PE is often caused by anxiety about losing an erection and/or failing to please a partner.

We were both being disappointed and frustrated. I realized it’s unfair to expect men to always be ready for sex and orgasm when women are not. How destructive for the man I love to feel those pressures in our most intimate moments.

Our last conversation worked because I was equipped with introspection, some basic facts, and empathy.

I said that I’d read that men sometimes ejaculate too soon because they’re afraid of going soft.

He agreed. I said that I don’t always orgasm, so why should we expect the same of him?

I told him that men’s erections vary in hardness during intercourse. On average, men usually only last around five minutes.

I told him I knew he’d be back at it again during the night or next morning.

Sometimes the journey can be much more pleasurable than reaching the destination.

Taking the pressure off worked. We've had no problems since then.

There can be many other reasons for premature ejaculation but saying, "I've read (a fact) ..." is a good way to start the conversation.

If the cause is performance anxiety, the partner’s reassurance goes a long way to helping and may be all that he needs.

They could also agree to her orgasming before intercourse which should relieve some of her frustration and may take some pressure off him.

If the cause is more complex, she could suggest seeing a doctor with him to figure out why it's happening to them.