Time for parents to step up and stop fighting

Children need to be able to enjoy a less volatile homelife

Q- My husband of nine years and I love each other. But we argue a lot. Whether about small things or huge disagreements, we both fight to the end.

He has never hit me. I pushed him once and he stopped cold, saying “we both never want to go that route.” So, I donít fear him, but I know these arguments aren’t doing either of us or our kids any good.

It’s like we can’t stop. He’ll say something and I’ll snap back that it’s a bad idea, or his information is wrong ... etc.

We both grew up in families like this. It was my father who was always right and my mother who went silent, visibly angry for hours afterward.

His mother was a shouter at the kids and her husband and “always right”.

We realize that we’ve inherited the behaviour we once hated in our parents. We also don’t want to pass it on to our own kids. Our sixyear-old already hides under his bed if we’re talking loud and angrily. His younger sister just cries.

But we haven’t been able to stop it. What do you advise? Tired of Fighting

A - Rise above your parents’ examples. You’re already aware of their negative effect – emotionally tiring, energydepleting, mind-numbing.

Your children’s reaction to hide/disengage from you both should be strong motivation.

Don’t try to do it alone, as it’ll only divide you further on who’s “right” about the approach to take or who’s to blame.

Get a fresh start by finding the voice of a professional, experienced counsellor to guide you.

Readers of this column have already been introduced by me to the works of some current leaders in this field, but I assure you I have nothing to gain from mentioning one or two again.

Here’s a quote from renowned family therapist Terry Real that seems appropriate for you two: “Family pathology rolls from generation to generation like a fire in the woods taking down everything in its path until one person, in one generation, has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to his ancestors and spares the children that follow.”

You can find more that hits home plus practical direction from Real online: through Audio books, podcasts, YouTube appearances, etc.

You can also search in your area and affordability level for an online marriage counsellor with experience in Real’s teachings, and with expertise and success in anger management.

Start now.