Dad’s favour no favour to ‘good’ child

Dear Prudence:

I love my dad but have always felt he has singled me out my entire life as the good child. He’s always singing my praises, which of course I am thankful for, but it makes me uncomfortable, especially around my other siblings and when we are in public. During my cousin’s wedding, he was making a very informal speech at brunch and even said I was his favourite daughter, right in front of my sister (and my bro, and our significant others). He felt awful and immediately apologized, and then I felt awful, too. I still do. I am very nervous about what he is planning to say at my upcoming wedding. Any advice on how best to approach my dad about this?

A: When it comes to the feelings of his children your father has apparently spent a lifetime trampling on them. You, golden child, are in the best position to point this out to him. Say that after the embarrassment at the brunch, you want to make sure nothing like that happens again. You can say his favouritism is not a favour to you — it has only complicated your relationship with your own siblings. Tell him you love him and look forward to him toasting you at your wedding, but you want him to make sure at your wedding, and always, that he remembers he has three children whom he should love equally. Dear Prudence: I have three children, my oldest (Ryan) is incredibly bright and graduating college in a month. My youngest (Amy) has physical and mental disabilities with the mental age of about four. Ryan talked to my husband and me and requested we get somebody to watch Amy at his college graduation. We said we would think about it. On one hand, Amy can be very difficult to handle in crowds and has a hard time empathizing with others and giving them the attention they might want or need. There are also only two tickets for handicap accessible seating, which means my family would not be able to sit together. Ryan was six when Amy was born and he has always been loving and compassionate toward her, so I think this stems from a desire to have this event be about him, not about all the logistics that surround a handicapped person. On the other hand, I am afraid that this will set a terrible precedent. What other events will Amy be excluded from? How would we explain this to Amy?

A: It sounds as if no matter what you do someone will have to sit separately from your group with Amy. Presumably that would be either you or your husband. Even if you two can’t sit together, Ryan will still have both his parents watching and applauding as he walks across the stage. But as I understand it, what Ryan is asking for is that a friend or caretaker watch over Amy so both you and your husband can attend his big day without distractions. That doesn’t seem like such a terrible request or precedent. Amy needs special attention and a patient caretaker could be just the right person to help her through experiences that make her agitated. This would let Amy to be there for milestone events while also allowing the rest of you to fully participate in them. Ryan is not trying to exclude his sister, but he is telling you what he would like on this unique day in his life