Partner feels more like roommate
Q. My partner of eight years isn’t interested in me — no communication, no making plans.
He’s 10 years older than me. If there’s any physical contact, it’s only for his pleasure.
We rarely go out. He prefers alone time to destress after work.
He spends weekends at the gym or working on his hobbies. It’s like we’re roommates with separate lives.
He won’t spend time together with my friends because he feels they’re beneath him.
He does attend my family functions, but acts bored.
I tell him that I’m unhappy because I need an emotional connection with him. I feel alone and abandoned, but his angry response is that I have unrealistic expectations, and I must stop putting so much pressure on him.
Yet he always finds time to entertain his family and friends, and transforms into a very charming man when he does!
A. Eight years of this cold, distanced, selfish behaviour? You mention nothing positive. Even if there are some financial benefits, the emotional cost seems much heavier.
You once agreed to live with this man. So perhaps the age difference led you to believe he’d “take care” of you, but you’ve matured to the point of recognizing that he mostly neglects you.
Tell him, finally, that the relationship isn’t working for you (but only do this if you feel he won’t react in a controlling or aggressive way).
If that fails, get family or friends you trust to help you make a new plan for yourself.
Otherwise, there are women’s shelters and community agencies in most locales where you can get counselling and direction.
She doesn’t want baby near alcoholic father-in-law
Q. My father-in-law disappeared the week my baby was born. He never visited the hospital neonatal intensive care unit where my son stayed for 10 days.
He and my stepmother came over two days after we brought him home. My father-in-law then stated that he wanted to be involved in our son’s life.
They gave him a gift a couple of days before Christmas, saying they weren’t going to celebrate the holiday.
Suddenly, Christmas Eve, they were having a party and we weren’t invited.
We visited them a couple of days ago, but they forgot that we were coming and were three hours late returning home.
Yesterday, my father in-law landed in the hospital because he fell while drunk. He’s an alcoholic and heavy smoker.
There’s so much drama on that side of the family. He always breaks promises to us, last minute.
I don’t want my son to be exposed to this drama, alcoholism, smoking, broken promises, and constant bickering. I’ve been trying to get past it for three years.
I don’t want the baby near them until my father in-law gets his alcoholism under control. My husband’s starting to feel the same, though less strongly.
I don’t know whether we should say so or not say anything to my in-laws.
A. As parents, you can set your boundaries but must be clear, e.g. no smoking in your house or near your child. No drinking when your son’s around.
These may be too tough for him to accept. If you stay resolved, distancing will naturally occur.
Can your husband live with this divide, or can he explain to them the significance for your baby’s health?
For now, think these questions through and protect your child.
However, you do owe them an explanation and a chance to reduce the drama if possible.