Kids feeling stuck between divorcing parents
Q: My former wife has a new partner. She’s already referring to him as my kids’ stepdad even though we aren’t officially divorced yet.
My kids aren’t taking to him and they feel left out by their mother because of the new guy. My one kid will tantrum and one has even run into traffic. He even hits his mother.
My wife’s new partner has restrained him and now they are videoing in case the Children’s Aid is called. Should I be calling the Children’s Aid to investigate their mother and her partner?
A: I am guessing your separation was a mess and there really is no love lost between you and your former wife. I am also guessing that there is little communication between the two of you and that most communication is through the kids. Lastly, you give the impression that you take issue personally with someone referred to as stepdad to your kids. This makes for a messy situation all around.
In these situations it is common for children to feel stuck between their parents and having to take sides. These children also become the messengers and conveyors of stories, sometimes badmouthing one parent to the other. Doing so helps to maintain the relationship with one at the expense of the other. These are emotionally challenging situations for children and can affect their behaviour.
As the reports are coming from children caught between conflicted separated parents, it can be difficult to know how accurate those reports are.
What is evident, though, is the parental conflict.
When child protective services (Children’s Aid Society in Ontario) gets calls in such situations, what is often assessed is whether a child is at risk of emotional harm due to parental conflict.
It remains at your discretion if you feel the Children’s Aid Society should be called in your situation. Whether or not you do, you should consider attending counselling or mediation with your former wife to sort out co-parenting issues and the loyalty binds that might affect your children.
The issue is less you or her, but rather the combination resulting in your mutual conflict. Address that and your children may be better served.