Entertaining at home with kids takes planning

Children naturally will seek attention, so consider enlisting help to keep them busy

Q: My husband and I entertain often, inviting adults and kids or, occasionally, just adults. Sometimes guests stay for the weekend.

My kids (ages 7 and 5) go into overdrive, asking guests to watch them do tricks, play piano, do a dance and so on, to the point where it’s difficult to continue a conversation.

I have talked to the kids repeatedly before guests arrive about how much “Watch me do this!” is OK, and I intervene frequently while guests are there, trying to get my kids involved in something else so they aren’t constantly demanding attention. It’s embarrassing, and I don’t get why this happens over and over. They aren’t attention-starved in our day-to-day life, and we have people over often. I would think they would have settled down a bit by now. I don’t exp ect my kids to be seen and not heard, but I do want them to know they aren’t the centre of attention at all times. They don’t do this when it’s just my husband and me at home — only for guests. Any tips to curtail this behaviour?

A: Let me begin by saying that I have a tremendous amount of respect for anyone who entertains often. I do not derive joy from hosting many people, so I think it is great that you are having your tribe over. Don’t give it up.

But when it comes to tips to curtail the children’s behaviour? Unfortunately or fortunately (depending on how you look at it), the only person you need to control here is you.

Your children, even while getting older, still feel insecure as you push them away. Even as I read your letter, I am guessing that they feel like this: “My mom wants to be with these other people more than me.” “My dad doesn’t want me to be here.” And these feelings in children, being separated and feeling unwanted, actually increase their neediness (hence your frustration and embarrassment).

I know that you say you spend time with them, but that is not how connection works with children. What you view as “not being attention-starved” may simply not be enough for your children. As frustrating as that may feel, it is simply true. What we know is that what you and your husband are doing is not working for your family. And although I don’t think that you meant to sound this way, your priorities look like: (1) entertaining and (2) your children. This needs to be flipped, but it can be done in a way where it works for everyone.

So, I began to think of my friends (who also have young children) who entertain often, and they have some things in common:

1. They don’t mind that children are there. Parents who entertain frequently like having other families over, and if the children put on a show, everyone enjoys it. It is part of the joy of bringing families together. When it has become too much, these hosts then move on to No. 2.

2. They do not expect their children to settle down without some support. This means that the parents set up systems ahead of time that give the children something else to do. Whether it’s popcorn and movies, art or a fun outdoor activity, these parents know that children need to have more than just their own willpower to help them settle down. Children, especially as young as 5, cannot be expected to entertain themselves all night. It is not developmentally appropriate.

3. My friends who entertain also understand that there are occasions where more assistance is needed. These parents enlist babysitters, mother’s helpers, inlaws and the like to help wrangle their children into other activities so that the hosts can, well, host. Experienced family entertainers know that this support is invaluable, and they will happily spend some money so they can relax a bit and know that their children are safe, happy and busy.

4. Smart entertainers also know that sometimes you have to get a sitter and leave the house to properly visit with your adult friends. If you want uninterrupted conversation, freedom of language and jokes, and no whining or needs from young ones, your best bet is to go out. Another alternative (although not available to many) is to send children to Grandma and Grandpa’s or another family member’s house. This is a winwin: time with family while you entertain in peace.

Children, especially as young as 5, cannot be expected to entertain themselves all night. It is not developmentally appropriate.