Trio of parents blaming one another for boy’s bad behaviour
Q: Our son is 8. He is so challenging. He is forever getting into trouble at school.
My new partner and I argue about him all the time and his biodad is fed up with me, calling me the source of the problem.
I think it’s his partner, because my son always comes home complaining about her. I find this totally overwhelming and I am at my wits’ end. How can I help my son?
A: Your sense of being overwhelmed comes through loud and clear. Your son acts out at school and everyone seems to blame each other.
Let me take this in a different direction.
Ever stop to consider that your son may be overwhelmed too? In reading your question, it also comes through that his life is complex: bioparents not together, bio-parents fighting between themselves, new partners on both sides, conflict regarding new partners.
My question would be: what is your son exposed to in terms of the emotional tone in both homes and who is there for him, with everyone blaming each other?
Children need our love and attention. When parents are distracted by conflict and other unresolved issues, the child can feel caught in the middle of divided loyalties.
In complex situations such as you describe, it is not uncommon for behaviour problems to surface. This is the child expressing distress about their situation when words fall short. They feel caught in a bind, wanting to love all of their parents when this may be felt to be unacceptable to one or more of the adults. Many children will never tell their parent this; we have to figure it out on their behalf.
Help for your son begins with the bio-parents getting help to resolve their differences and then each bioparent with a new partner resolving theirs. At some point both bioparents have to come to terms with the demise of their relationship and the new partner in each other’s lives.
This is a complex set of tasks but when they are carried out, the child is freed from the distress at both homes and between both homes. He or she is then better able to concentrate at school. A colleague of mine refers to ADD as “Attention Divided by Divorce.”
Help your son by attending counselling with his dad. Sort out your differences first.