He’s loved her from a distance

Q. I’ve loved a girl I’ve known since Grade 3. I’m 28, so it’s been 20 years this fall since we first met.

We “dated” in middle school, dated on and off in high school (every time I broke up with another girl, I seemed to always gravitate back to her).

She got a serious boyfriend in college and I enlisted in the military. She ended up marrying some other guy.

We kept in contact and I’d call her when I had girl issues. Later, I married someone (one reason was because she was married and I didn’t have any chance with her anymore).

Now, we’re both divorced and live in two different states. How do I go about telling her I’ve been in love with her for so long, and reinitiate contact? I thought about sending her the Cory Smith song “From a distance.”

A. Send the song. These words will surely initiate contact: “I loved her from a distance Like an angel watching from afar I never had the nerve to mention The fire burning in my heart” Then call her and say you’d like to have the chance for both of you to see if the old spark can be rekindled.

Just maybe, as the song goes, “This love can go the distance.”

Unstable sister is exhausting

Q. My sister’s very reactive. When she has difficulties with her spouse or friends, she obsesses, grieves, complains, and eventually retreats, shutting everyone out.

I find her responses exhausting and have distanced from her. She tries to contact me but watching her go through these episodes is exhausting. I wish she was more stable and took things in stride more.

She was always the “sensitive” one in our family. I’d love to see her learn some new skills on dealing with things that upset her, and getting a thicker skin.

Recently, someone at her church gave her some pushback and she assessed the situation as a threat to her family and left the church.

I’m concerned for her. She exhausts everyone around her.

A. It’s impossible to help her handle difficulties less intensely by staying remote.

Your sister has some valid reasons for her reactions, such as her sensitive nature.

Yes, she could benefit greatly from talking to a counsellor. But after years of her current pattern, she’d need some support to seek help and during the process. She has to feel it’s about improving her life, not “fixing” her.

By expressing your concerns, you’ve shown that you care about her.

If you could soften your own reactions to her, you could still be the trusted sister who encourages her to get a new perspective on how to better handle stress, for her own sake.

Long distance love isn’t working

Q. A year ago, I met a long-distance girlfriend through friends. Our relationship was fantastic; we called each other daily.

After awhile, she moved near Oslo but still called me during several months. She said I’m her first boyfriend.

Now, she doesn’t always answer my calls. She says she was out without her phone, or it was silent, or she was asleep.

When I see her face on video, it’s totally changed. She cries. When I asked her to meet up, she became nervous.

Also, she told me that she’s having strong abdominal cramps. What can I do?

A. She wants to end the contact. It’s hard to know why, and whether she has serious personal troubles she won’t share. Encourage her to get medical care and help for whatever else is bothering her.

Accept that this long-distance online connection isn’t working for her. It’s about changed circumstances, not about you.