My friend is fran­tic about a guy, is she over­re­act­ing?

The Hamilton Spectator - - GO - el­liead­ DEAR EL­LIE

Q. My friend is on va­ca­tion, stay­ing at a beach ho­tel. She’s 38, and tends to get her­self into sit­u­a­tions that be­come ma­jor dra­mas.

She sent me a photo of her­self sun­bathing in her bikini. Next, she was telling me about a good-look­ing guy walk­ing the beach.

Min­utes later, she mes­saged that they’d con­nected on Tinder.

When I heard from her a cou­ple of hours later, she was fran­tic. The guy had been very flat­ter­ing, asked her to go walk­ing with him, took her hand then be­came very touchy-feely, she said. Then he started telling her how sexy she is.

I know she loves this stuff, but some­times lets it go too far — and it did.

He said he was stay­ing in a house off the beach and they should go there so they could have “crazy sex” to­gether. She bolted. At least that’s what she told me when she phoned me to talk . . . and cry, and rant . . . as soon as she got back to her ho­tel room. Or is she over­re­act­ing, as usual?

A. You’re cor­rect that she seeks ex­cite­ment be­fore she knows if she can han­dle it.

I’m aware of very suc­cess­ful dat­ing re­la­tion­ships that started through Tinder, so it’s the per­son, not the app that opens the door to po­ten­tial prob­lems.

Sure, she should move. Who knows what else she told him about her­self that would cause him to pur­sue or bother her fur­ther?

But when this blows over and you have a chance for talk­ing in per­son to her, you can use this in­ci­dent to dis­cuss di­al­ing down the chances for po­ten­tial dan­ger in fu­ture.

Is he try­ing to con­trol me?

Q. I’m 21 and my boyfriend, who’s 28, just broke up with me. We’ve been ter­rific to­gether since we met, ex­cept for when I once said I was go­ing to visit my girl­friend, then she and I de­cided to go to a club.

He got an­gry and said I lied to him, but it wasn’t ly­ing — my friend and I changed our plans.

It’s two months later and we’ve got­ten closer. There was no prob­lem when I said I was go­ing on a girls’ night out. That’s what I did, but some in­vited us back to one of their places for drinks. I didn’t tell my boyfriend about that, just said I had fun be­ing out with the girls.

But he talked to an­other girl who was there (I think she likes him) and now he says he can’t ever trust me be­cause I lied again.

My best friend says he’s try­ing to con­trol me. Do you agree?

A. Ly­ing is a red flag in a re­la­tion­ship. It could sig­nal to him that he can never be sure when to be­lieve or trust you.

But it can also sig­nal to you that you can’t be open with him, be­cause he’s eas­ily jeal­ous and does try to con­trol you.

Think this through. But also rec­og­nize that open­ness and trust are es­sen­tial in any long-term re­la­tion­ship.

Reader’s com­men­tary: “Some time ago, a man asked you how to han­dle his rich, spoiled friend.

“But un­re­lated to what his ques­tion was about, he told you that his wife works, does all the cook­ing and the laun­dry, and takes the chil­dren to their ac­tiv­i­ties.

“I couldn’t help think­ing that he also sounds spoiled! I wish you would’ve told him that he should be do­ing his share.

“Why is it al­ways the women work­ing and do­ing all the work at home, too? That would’ve been a great aside to your an­swer.”

El­lie: So true! I’m sorry I missed the chance, though I might not have worded it just that way.

There are some cou­ples who en­joy their di­vi­sion of tasks into the past roles with which they were raised.

I would’ve noted that if his wife en­joys those chores and he does his share of oth­ers, that’s their busi­ness. If not, he’s “spoiled,” too.

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