Love in the age of Croissan’ Wiches
On this, the week of love, the celebration of St. Valentine, the days during which we submit to Cupid and all of the gross mushiness that comes with it, I present to you a love story for the ages.
A tale of such intense emotion, such immense heartbreak (sorry for the spoilers) that you will fall on your knees and weep without shame. Because that’s what real love is all about.
It happened, as it does, in the comments section of the Burger King Instagram page, under a photo of what appears to be two Croissan’Wiches and a pile of hash browns.
Jordan_vonsmith86 made the seemingly innocuous comment: My girl legit took 20 minutes ordering in the drive thru last night, those whoppers were worth it tho LOL
Now, one might assume they can make comments on a social media site without fear of reprisal (it never happens!), without fear of a loved one lurking in the comments shadows, waiting to pounce. But alas, it seems the Burger King Instagram page is the place to virtually hang out. Because fate had other plans for@jordan_vonsmith86.
Immediately following his comment, a fair young maiden appeared with flaxen hair like a rookie cheerleader and a smile as wide as an orthodontics model. Her name: @shanlee_rose. And her response revealed a dark side of love which we dare not speak:
Umm excuse me @jordan_vonsmith86??? I don’t recall going last night or ever liking Burger King who are you talking about?
(Which, of course begs the question, if she doesn’t like Burger King, why is she paying such close attention to the restaurant’s Insta page? But let’s not quibble over reality checks just yet.)
What followed were several posts that include language I can’t repeat in the newspaper. Suffice to say, @shanlee_rose was not happy. She demanded he pick up his phone. She tagged two of her girlfriends in the post, who called him out for being a dirtbag.
All of this to the amusement of the other people hanging out in the comments section of a photo of Croissan’Wiches and hash brown on the Burger King Insta page. Because apparently this is what people do.
Chill out, @jordan_vonsmith86 tells @shanlee_rose. He was there with @kitcass01 and they were just catching up.
Kitcass01, with raven balayaged tresses, pouty lips and a protruding tongue, pipes up, begs them to leave her out of their drama. @shanlee_rose’s response is unforgiving, tells her she brought herself into it, calls her fat.
And in the final scene of our performance, @shanlee_rose tells @jordan_vonsmith86 that she hopes the burgers were worth it, his stuff is outside. Meaning, she dumped his ass.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: Sheryl, how can you be so cruel as to mock these poor souls, these victims of Love’s sweet sorrow, especially on this, the week we celebrate Love itself ?
Because I don’t believe a word of it is true. This post in particular has generated a lot of buzz. The Internet is chattering about how some idiot was dumped in the comments section of the Burger King Insta page. And guess what? I have now mentioned Burger King six times in the space of this column. I’ve also directed you to a post about Croissan’Wiches.
Observers of this post rightly pointed out that all of the players in this drama have fewer than a dozen followers each. Their respective activity implies they’re not very active on Instagram at all. And yet, for some reason, @jordan_vonsmith suddenly felt compelled to post some random thought in the comments section of a breakfast sandwich? And somehow @shanlee_rose, who doesn’t even like this restaurant, just happened to be looking at the comments in said post of a breakfast sandwich, and started a whole drama with him right there and then, instead of taking it up privately, as you might expect from a person who posts very infrequently on Instagram?
Ya, I don’t think so. On Monday I read two stories about Burger King. The first was about how Restaurant Brands International Inc., the parent company of BK and Tim Hortons, is in talks to buy the Popeyes chicken chain.
The second was about how the company reported a higher than expected quarterly profit. Sales were up and costs were down, reports Reuters.
And you know what? I’m sure clever marketing campaigns like this one don’t hurt them one bit, either.
Ok, but seriously, for all the real people out there, WHY ARE YOU PAYING SUCH CLOSE ATTENTION TO THE COMMENTS ON A PHOTO OF A BREAKFAST SANDWICH???
A sausage, egg and cheese Croissan’Wich.