Love in the age of Crois­san’ Wiches

The Hamilton Spectator - - LIVING - SHERYL NADLER Sheryl@sh­eryl­

On this, the week of love, the cel­e­bra­tion of St. Valen­tine, the days dur­ing which we sub­mit to Cu­pid and all of the gross mushi­ness that comes with it, I present to you a love story for the ages.

A tale of such in­tense emo­tion, such im­mense heart­break (sorry for the spoil­ers) that you will fall on your knees and weep with­out shame. Be­cause that’s what real love is all about.

It hap­pened, as it does, in the com­ments sec­tion of the Burger King In­sta­gram page, un­der a photo of what ap­pears to be two Crois­san’Wiches and a pile of hash browns.

Jor­dan_von­smith86 made the seem­ingly in­nocu­ous com­ment: My girl le­git took 20 min­utes or­der­ing in the drive thru last night, those whop­pers were worth it tho LOL

Now, one might as­sume they can make com­ments on a so­cial me­dia site with­out fear of reprisal (it never hap­pens!), with­out fear of a loved one lurk­ing in the com­ments shad­ows, wait­ing to pounce. But alas, it seems the Burger King In­sta­gram page is the place to vir­tu­ally hang out. Be­cause fate had other plans for@jor­dan_von­smith86.

Im­me­di­ately fol­low­ing his com­ment, a fair young maiden ap­peared with flaxen hair like a rookie cheer­leader and a smile as wide as an or­thodon­tics model. Her name: @shan­lee_rose. And her re­sponse re­vealed a dark side of love which we dare not speak:

Umm ex­cuse me @jor­dan_von­smith86??? I don’t re­call go­ing last night or ever lik­ing Burger King who are you talk­ing about?

(Which, of course begs the ques­tion, if she doesn’t like Burger King, why is she pay­ing such close at­ten­tion to the restau­rant’s In­sta page? But let’s not quib­ble over re­al­ity checks just yet.)

What fol­lowed were sev­eral posts that in­clude lan­guage I can’t re­peat in the news­pa­per. Suf­fice to say, @shan­lee_rose was not happy. She de­manded he pick up his phone. She tagged two of her girl­friends in the post, who called him out for be­ing a dirt­bag.

All of this to the amusement of the other peo­ple hang­ing out in the com­ments sec­tion of a photo of Crois­san’Wiches and hash brown on the Burger King In­sta page. Be­cause ap­par­ently this is what peo­ple do.

Chill out, @jor­dan_von­smith86 tells @shan­lee_rose. He was there with @kit­cass01 and they were just catch­ing up.

Kit­cass01, with raven bal­ayaged tresses, pouty lips and a pro­trud­ing tongue, pipes up, begs them to leave her out of their drama. @shan­lee_rose’s re­sponse is un­for­giv­ing, tells her she brought her­self into it, calls her fat.

And in the fi­nal scene of our per­for­mance, @shan­lee_rose tells @jor­dan_von­smith86 that she hopes the burg­ers were worth it, his stuff is out­side. Mean­ing, she dumped his ass.

Now, I know what you’re think­ing: Sheryl, how can you be so cruel as to mock th­ese poor souls, th­ese vic­tims of Love’s sweet sor­row, es­pe­cially on this, the week we cel­e­brate Love it­self ?

Be­cause I don’t be­lieve a word of it is true. This post in par­tic­u­lar has gen­er­ated a lot of buzz. The In­ter­net is chat­ter­ing about how some id­iot was dumped in the com­ments sec­tion of the Burger King In­sta page. And guess what? I have now men­tioned Burger King six times in the space of this column. I’ve also di­rected you to a post about Crois­san’Wiches.

Ob­servers of this post rightly pointed out that all of the play­ers in this drama have fewer than a dozen fol­low­ers each. Their re­spec­tive ac­tiv­ity im­plies they’re not very ac­tive on In­sta­gram at all. And yet, for some rea­son, @jor­dan_von­smith sud­denly felt com­pelled to post some ran­dom thought in the com­ments sec­tion of a break­fast sand­wich? And some­how @shan­lee_rose, who doesn’t even like this restau­rant, just hap­pened to be look­ing at the com­ments in said post of a break­fast sand­wich, and started a whole drama with him right there and then, in­stead of tak­ing it up pri­vately, as you might ex­pect from a per­son who posts very in­fre­quently on In­sta­gram?

Ya, I don’t think so. On Mon­day I read two sto­ries about Burger King. The first was about how Restau­rant Brands In­ter­na­tional Inc., the par­ent com­pany of BK and Tim Hor­tons, is in talks to buy the Popeyes chicken chain.

The sec­ond was about how the com­pany re­ported a higher than ex­pected quar­terly profit. Sales were up and costs were down, re­ports Reuters.

And you know what? I’m sure clever mar­ket­ing cam­paigns like this one don’t hurt them one bit, ei­ther.

Ok, but se­ri­ously, for all the real peo­ple out there, WHY ARE YOU PAY­ING SUCH CLOSE AT­TEN­TION TO THE COM­MENTS ON A PHOTO OF A BREAK­FAST SAND­WICH???


A sausage, egg and cheese Crois­san’Wich.

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