You two need to talk, you may have a trust is­sue

The Hamilton Spectator - - GO - el­liead­

Q . I’m in a three-year re­la­tion­ship, we’ve been great, had oc­ca­sional fights, but noth­ing su­per dra­matic.

He re­cently told me that a friend from when he was age 13 had reached out to him and he deleted the mes­sage be­cause he knows how I feel.

He said that if she mes­sages him again, he’d let me do what­ever I want, so to­day I de­cided to find her (on Kik) and block her so we’re not wait­ing on her to text him again.

When I asked him for his Kik mes­sag­ing lo­gin in­for­ma­tion he said he didn’t re­mem­ber.

He said he feels I’m show­ing that I don’t trust him, even though he said I could han­dle it. Am I over­re­act­ing?

A. You’re both “over­re­act­ing,” but what mat­ters is, why?

Since he “knows how (you) feel” about an­other fe­male ran­domly con­tact­ing him, he shouldn’t be sur­prised by what I want.

For your part, ei­ther you have cause from past sit­u­a­tions to cut off any­one who’s trolling to­wards your guy, or you have a trust is­sue in gen­eral.

What’s needed is a sim­ple dis­cus­sion: Are you two in a com­mit­ted re­la­tion­ship?

If yes, he tells the friend he hasn’t con­tacted since age 13, that he’s in a re­la­tion­ship. You get to see his mes­sage on Kik and her re­sponse.

But if he’s still stalling you, there’s more to talk about to­gether, in­clud­ing what you each want and ex­pect from each other in this re­la­tion­ship, and what’s not ac­cept­able.

Why do I put up with abuse?

Q. I’ve been mar­ried 26 years, to­gether 32.

I love my hus­band very much, but it hasn’t been an easy life and I take re­spon­si­bil­ity for my part in it.

We had 15 great years, and three un­happy chil­dren who turned out to be amaz­ing adults, even af­ter all the hor­ri­ble things they wit­nessed.

There were years of drug and al­co­hol abuse for both of us, and do­mes­tic abuse against me.

I’m still ver­bally abused by my hus­band. Yet we’re still to­gether. I’m not a per­fect wife, but I’m faith­ful and lov­ing.

How­ever, it’s also been years of be­ing ac­cused of cheat­ing with mul­ti­ple men. I couldn’t leave the house but for work, and I’ve been un­able to have friends.

I can’t even visit my own chil­dren, who don’t want him in their lives, ha­rass­ing them.

He never stops say­ing that I’m a liar and if I just told the truth he could move on.

Then he won­ders why I show him no love, sex, or at­ten­tion. It’s be­cause I’m so hurt and mad, but mostly re­ally sad. Some­body tell me why I stay.

A. He’s iso­lated you. But you’ve writ­ten this be­cause you don’t want to take it any­more.

A life of abuse and fear is dan­ger­ous, since your hus­band can turn on you when­ever he chooses.

And it’s di­min­ish­ing to every­thing else you can still be and do, in­clud­ing see­ing your chil­dren.

I urge you to find a safe plan for mak­ing pos­i­tive change in your life.

First, do some re­search on­line at a neu­tral place like a li­brary.

A shel­ter for abused women or a YWCA pro­gram for women seek­ing safety, are places to start ask­ing ques­tions about how to pro­tect your­self while con­sid­er­ing a move.

This is about sav­ing your­self from fur­ther harm — emo­tion­ally and phys­i­cally.

Do not threaten to leave, nor con­fide in any­one but a coun­sel­lor whom you find through your pri­vate and care­ful search.

You only need find a phone num­ber and make your in­quiries dur­ing a live con­ver­sa­tion.

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