Dreaded fu­ture breakup is just imag­ined

The Hamilton Spectator - - WEATHER FORECAST - el­liead­vice.com

Q. My boyfriend of one year and I have amaz­ing mem­o­ries to­gether so far. He makes me laugh, he’s a good per­son, and he’s very in­tel­li­gent.

We do ar­gue oc­ca­sion­ally, but we al­ways work it out and move on.

We both agree that our re­la­tion­ship isn’t the same as it was in the be­gin­ning be­cause we’re past that “fairy tale” stage, which is un­der­stand­able.

But, be­ing such a pas­sion­ate and lov­ing per­son, I feel like al­though we love each other, we now al­most ex­ist in this re­la­tion­ship to just love, with­out fur­ther mean­ing. I still want to con­tinue our re­la­tion­ship, but it’s rather bor­ing.

I’ve asked his opin­ion and he says our love may not be “but­ter­fly­like” as in the be­gin­ning, but it’s still there.

Now I have con­stant anx­i­ety that I don’t want to be the girl that gets dumped, and wasn’t aware that he was at a stand­still and not be­ing hon­est from the start.

I’d rather find a so­lu­tion to save me the em­bar­rass­ment. I’m in­de­ci­sive when it comes to choos­ing the right op­tion. I still love him dearly, but I’m so lost.

A. It doesn’t make sense to break up a re­la­tion­ship with some­one you love and who loves you. Es­pe­cially when there doesn’t ap­pear to be any sign that he might sud­denly “dump” you.

That’s an anx­i­ety you seem to have cre­ated, and it may be a pat­tern with you when re­la­tion­ships be­come truly bor­ing and you fear they’re go­ing stale or worse, a part­ner’s look­ing else­where.

There’s a dif­fer­ence be­tween be­ing pas­sion­ate, which is how you de­scribe your­self, and think­ing that if there are no “but­ter­flies” and “fairy tale” feel­ings, love is mean­ing­less.

Not so. Love is some­times fiery, some­times calm; it can be pro­found but also quiet, at times deeply mov­ing, and at oth­ers quiet and steady.

You two may need some oc­ca­sional new ex­cite­ment — a spring get­away to shake off the win­ter, a new ac­tiv­ity like an out­door sport to share.

Con­sider even sep­a­rate pur­suits, such as new cour­ses or fit­ness pro­grams for who­ever needs that added goal and en­ergy boost.

But run­ning from an imag­ined fu­ture breakup sounds more like you lack­ing self-con­fi­dence, than be­ing bored with some­one you love and loves you.

It may not be cheat­ing, but it is dis­re­spect­ful

Q. Af­ter 25 years liv­ing with this man and do­ing ev­ery­thing for him, he’s started go­ing to dat­ing sites and mes­sag­ing women on­line. He’s even been video-call­ing them. I feel that an end is at hand. But he tells me it’s just him mess­ing with them, that it’s all a game, and the girls aren’t real ... just on­line look­ing to scam money and that ev­ery­one does it. Do you think cheat­ing is next? I don’t want to waste any more time.

I’m sus­pi­cious, too. It’s un­clear whether he’s look­ing to scam money, or he be­lieves the “girls” are, and he’s will­ing to “mess” with them.

Ei­ther way, his new be­hav­iour af­ter 25 years to­gether, sound pretty crummy and de­mean­ing to you.

If you al­ready think you’re wast­ing time with him, you’re prob­a­bly right. Even if he isn’t cheat­ing, he’s play­ing fast and loose with your feel­ings and dis­re­spect­ing you.

De­pend­ing on your cir­cum­stances, for ex­am­ple, whether you have chil­dren to­gether, the next move is yours.

An ul­ti­ma­tum that he quits mess­ing with other women on­line and that cheat­ing is your line in the sand is one op­tion. But you have to be firm and mean it.

If he crosses that line or acts in­dif­fer­ent, see a lawyer about your com­mon-law rights and re­spon­si­bil­i­ties. Then move on.

DEAR EL­LIE

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