She’s a com­pul­sive liar who will hurt you again

The Hamilton Spectator - - GO - el­liead­vice.com

Q . I’m a di­vorced fa­ther of two who’s been see­ing a woman with one child for two-and-a-half years.

Ev­ery­thing was great be­tween us — it was true love, we were plan­ning to move in to­gether and our sex life was amaz­ing.

When we re­turned from a week­long trip in March, I re­ceived a text say­ing she’s had another boyfriend for three years. The guy’s phone num­ber was in­cluded.

I called him and he was in shock that she was two-tim­ing.

She’d lied to us both ev­ery day for over two years and told both of us the same B.S. — “love you to death,” “we’ll move in to­gether,” etc. We both called her. She freaked out, de­nied ev­ery­thing and hung up.

She called me back say­ing she was sorry and wanted to be with me for­ever. An hour later, she called back and ended it with me be­cause she wanted to be with him.

She called me back again later, this time telling me she wanted me and that he had forced her to end it with me.

Now, five weeks later, she’s back with him.

I cut her off. But she also wants me back. What do I do? I think she has se­ri­ous men­tal is­sues to lie to both of us for so long.

Do I give her a chance, or do you think she’ll hurt me again?

Are you se­ri­ous? I can’t start my re­sponse any other way, or my read­ers will lam­baste me (and you, by in­fer­ence) for con­sid­er­ing any mis­placed, wrong-headed and un­de­served com­pas­sion to­ward her.

She’s a com­mit­ted com­pul­sive liar and yes, she’ll hurt you again — him, too — and any­one else (in­clud­ing your kids and hers).

It could take years of treat­ment be­fore a ther­a­pist could help her to be­come hon­est and faith­ful. And it might not last. Mean­while, the chil­dren and you could never be sure of any­thing she says, does or feels.

That’s scary for you all.

Two grown-ups should be able to move past old spat

Q. I’m throw­ing a sur­prise party for my hus­band’s big birth­day (40!).

The prob­lem is that his brother and I haven’t spo­ken in five years, even though the two of them have re­mained close.

The crazy thing is that their mother started the prob­lem be­tween me and his brother by re­peat­ing ca­sual com­ments each of us had made about the other and blow­ing them way out of pro­por­tion.

The only so­lu­tion would’ve been for us both to out my mother-in-law as favour­ing her younger son (my brother-in­law) over my hus­band.

Nei­ther of us wanted to hurt my hus­band, so we ended up hav­ing a huge fall­ing out back then.

Since then, we’ve both been un­able to get past what we heard was said by the other.

My hus­band was very an­gry with both of us when this hap­pened but has ac­cepted that we just can’t get along.

I know his brother has to be in­vited, but I don’t know if he’ll come.

I also don’t know how I’ll han­dle it if he shows.

You will han­dle it de­cently and so will he, be­cause you have both been pro­tec­tive of your hus­band’s feel­ings all along.

But you could do even bet­ter, be­cause you’ve seen how much you each care for your hus­band and you’ve been thought­ful enough to not re­veal your mother-in­law’s fool­ish trou­ble­mak­ing.

So two grown-ups like you are also ca­pa­ble of end­ing the chill and speak­ing to each other.

Af­ter all, what­ever was said was then, this is now.

You are both cer­tainly big­ger than this old spat.

DEAR EL­LIE

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