So that’s why their bats have holes in them
SIDELINE CHATTER
Friday, in case you missed it, was National Doughnut Day. “Just Friday?” asked Braves pitcher Mike Foltynewicz, who is 0 for 14 with seven strikeouts at the plate this season.
HEADLINES
At TheKicker.com: “Brady gets 6th finger surgically added to hand to hold future ring.”
At Fark.com: “Shaq gets a pedicure, and it is spectacular (not safe for lunch).”
LET’S PLAY THREE!
United Airlines is about to unveil the world’s longest flight, 8,700 miles from L.A. to Singapore — nearly 18 hours. To help pass all that air time, the inflight movie will be replays of three Yankees-Red Sox games.
A-PLUS FOR A BEE
Ananya Vinay, a sixth-grader from Fresno, Calif., won the 90th Scripps National Spelling Bee by correctly spelling: a) “marocain” b) “Krzyzewski” c) “covfefe”
HE’S BAAAAACK
A South Florida high school football player reportedly committed to Miami, de-committed and recommitted last month — all in a 12-hour span. Quickie scouting report: The kid ought to be dynamite on returns and reverses.
ICE CAPADES
Predators fan Jacob Waddell, who threw a dead catfish on the ice during Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Final in Pittsburgh, has had the three charges against him dismissed. Even better, he’s been credited with a cat trick.
NO. 1 WITH THE FANS
The Mets’ Mr. Met mascot flipped fans the bird during Wednesday’s game. Which probably explains why the Phillie Phanatic has fur-covered fingers.
DRONE AND DRONER
A drone crash-landed just inches from a fan at a Padres game last month. Baseball stat nerds immediately credited it with a launch angle of 29 degrees and an entrance velocity of 62 m.p.h.
TALKING THE TALK
Nats first baseman Ryan Zimmerman, to MLB.com, on the absurdity of pitchers plunking hitters in retaliation for hitting a home run: “I don’t get to fight the pitcher when he strikes me out twice.”
At ESPN.com, on the Penguins’ hockey dominance: “Forget Blitzburgh, welcome to Iceburgh.”
Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald, on ex-Nebraska D-lineman Baker Steinkuhler pursuing a career in nursing: “It’s going well. So far he’s only sacked seven surgeons.”
FASTER, HIGHER, CHEERIER
Cheerleading could become an Olympic sport by 2024? All for drug tests, stand up and holler!
PAGING MR. GOODWRENCH
Autobol — two teams of car drivers playing soccer with a 4-foot ball — was first introduced by German auto racer Karl Kappler in the early 1930s. The sport has evolved so much, amazed pundits say, that the vehicles are even faking breakdowns now.
MORE HEADLINES
At SportsPickle.com: “Drunken Mr. Met arrested after streaking field during Mets game.”
At Fark.com: “You would think that Tiger Woods would know when to use a driver.”
THE NBA BOWL?
The Warriors enjoyed a nine-day gap between the Western Conference finals and the NBA finals. What is this, pro basketball or college football?
TOKE OR TREAT
Candy makers have come up with cannabisinfused CBD Gummies. Pot pundits predict a record number of trick-or-treaters at Spaceman Lee’s house this October.
GOOD QUESTION
Speaking of which, why doesn’t High Times magazine seek naming rights to the Broncos’ stadium?
QUOTE MARKS
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on the police video of Tiger Woods’ DUI arrest: “Tiger is more confused than a Cleveland Brown in the end zone.”
Jim Barach of WCHS-TV in Charleston, W.Va., after a great white shark leaped into an Australian fisherman’s 16-foot boat: “Twenty bucks says the first words out of his mouth were: ‘I think we need a bigger boat!’ “
STAT OF THE WEEK
According to Mike Petriello of MLB.com, batters are hitting .541 with a 1.074 slugging percentage on balls with an exit velocity of at least 95 m.p.h., and just .218 with a .255 slugging when they hit the ball 94 m.p.h. or under.
TRUTH IN ADVERTISING
Panthers coach Ron Rivera admitted Kelvin Benjamin was “a bit heavy” — one poohpoohed report put it at 280 pounds — and that he appeared out of shape during the team’s first off-season OTAs. Wide receiver? No kidding.