Growing up in violent home can damage later bonds

Q: When I was a child, my father would beat up my mother. I still have nightmares of him hitting her. It stopped when I was 15 and I put a beating on him.

My wife says that I am abusive but I have never touched her.

I wouldn’t, because of my past.

I just don’t get how she can think I am abusive and it’s tearing me apart. How should I handle this?

A: So sorry to hear of your growing up experience; what you were exposed to and how you had to intervene to protect your mother. I am pleased to read that you have never laid a hand on your wife.

In situations like you describe, it is not uncommon to have vivid recollections of abusive events and for them to intrude on your sleep.

They are hallmark symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It is also not uncommon for a current partner to take issue with the attitude or behaviour of a mate who has survived such experiences.

One may not realize that although they are not engaging in physically abusive behaviour, it’s possible they are still influenced by those experiences.

Some people believe they are acting in the other person’s interest, making decisions on their behalf; thinking they know better than the other.

These are actually power and control issues.

If your partner doesn’t have input or influence regarding decisions that affect both of you, or is made to feel that she must subordinate herself to your wishes, she will experience you as abusive.

Given your past and how it continues to intrude in your life, you may want to seek personal counselling.

It should include elements of treatment for PTSD as well as helping you to understand the subtle influences of growing up in an abusive home.

If your wife has also come from a family where domestic violence occurred, she can have a greater sensitivity to the issues you may be bringing in.

Couple counselling can help you explore your relationship and respective contributions to distress.

Once those elements are better understood, you can make changes to your behaviour to be more accommodating to each other.

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