‘I WAS NUMB’:
Hamilton psychologist whose toddler was stabbed shares experience at crisis workers’ conference
A remarkable Hamilton psychologist who overcame the trauma of losing her two-year-old son’s murder shared her story of pain and recovery with crisis workers in town for a conference on how they are all at risk of trauma in their work and what to do about it.
Lori Triano-Antidormi suggested social workers, first responders — and traumatized workers, patients and clients — can dramatically help and be helped through anguish and post-traumatic-stress disorder (PTSD) using the right methods.
Her son, Zachary Antidormi, was stabbed to death by a mentally ill neighbour in 1997.
Triano-Antidormi — keynote speaker at the Crisis Workers’ Society of Ontario conference on Thursday — spoke of the shock, trauma and unbearable grief of losing Zachary and the support that eventually got her through it.
Central to her talk was how the right kind of support has a considerable impact on recovery.
She told a hushed crowd at the Sheraton Hotel conference room that although she was a psychologist in training at the time, nothing could have ever prepared her for Zachary’s death.
“I had no idea one could hurt so badly and so deeply. I had no idea that the traumatic death of my son would render me incapable of functioning. … And I never imagined I could, or would, ever recover.”
People are “blind-sighted by the intensity” of such a shock, becoming overwhelmed, frightened and helpless, she said.
Crisis workers and first responders exposed to trauma all the time can also experience this, despite being educated about it, she said.
Many still don’t recognize it in themselves, however, “and sadly, given the stigma still associated with mental health difficulties,” they often keep it to themselves and hope it will go away.
But it doesn’t and it can lead to substance abuse or failed attempts to “suck it up,” she said.
All who either experience trauma or bear witness to it are at risk and need to recognize compassion fatigue and the impact of repeated exposure, she said. “We must take care of ourselves.” Early support and understanding is critical to recovery, she said.
Audience members became teary-eyed as she took them to the day her son died — and to walking across the street that morning “with Zachary’s little hand in mine” to drop him off at his babysitter’s, thinking life was perfect.
A police officer later showed up at her office and told her Zachary had an accident and he took her to the hospital.
Emergency room staff greeted her with looks of shock, horror and sadness. In a private room, a gentle, caring and compassionate doctor put his hand on her shoulder and said “he did not make it.”
She didn’t understand, and when told Zachary had been stabbed, she thought the doctor had it wrong because he was only two-and-a-half years old.
Reality began to set in: “I screamed for what seemed to be an eternity. I could not believe it. I felt the blood drain from my body. I was in shock. I felt everything and I felt nothing. I was cold. I was numb. I felt like I was going crazy. …”
Zachary Antidormi said she was dazed, very afraid and physically unwell.
All the while, there was the unobtrusive yet comforting and calming presence of a police victim services worker who kept “her gentle eye on me” with a soft gaze of true caring and compassion.
“I must say, at this most difficult time in my life, I was very well attended by all present. I felt very respected. I felt empathy. I felt the compassion of others, for me and equally as important, for my beautiful boy who had lost his life,” she said.
“I know that this support, the sense of safety created, and the compassion and understanding afforded to me … was so important and critical to my long road of rebuilding. It laid the foundation, if you will, from which I could begin to rebuild my life.”
Triano-Antidormi said the way crisis workers notify someone of a death has a great impact on the survivors’ eventual ability to cope or manage.
“A lack of compassion and understanding at this most stressful and traumatic time can increase the chances of future anxiety reactions and possibly PTSD,” she said.
“Empathy, relational caring, warmth and compassion, respect, being fully present and genuine, affirming the experience of the trauma survivor, showing positive regard and attentiveness and collaboration — are all critical when working with trauma survivors.”