The cost of kids causes consternation

In the end, having children isn’t about money. It’s about being crazy

Recently we engaged some young men to wash the windows at our house.

Now, you might reasonably ask, why don’t you wash your own windows?

That’s a good question and the reason I would give is mind your own business.

Actually, I have occasionally cleaned our windows, and by occasionally, I mean at least once in the last four or maybe it’s eight years.

When my wife exhorts me to clean them, I counter with, “Isn’t that what rain is for?”

This is the same theory that many young men employ for never cleaning the shower. “It’s filled with water and soap all day. It must be clean,” they say, and we all know how that turns out.

Actually, I don’t mind cleaning windows at ground level, but I’m not so good at high windows and I consider “high” anything above sea level.

I’m not afraid of heights. Being high up is fine. It’s the falling down I mind.

Hence the reason we brought in the young men. They came from a company we’ll call University Amateur Window Cleaning. While they were working, my wife overheard them chatting about having children. One of the guys — they were all about 18 or 19 — said he had read that raising kids was expensive. “They cost about $250,000 each! And that’s before post-secondary education,” he told his incredulous pals.

I’m sure most kids don’t give a thought to how much money they cost, until they start, you know, working for money. Then you can see the little wheels turning in their teenage heads. “At $12 an hour, I’d have to work … TEN YEARS straight to pay for myself!!!”

Suddenly those $4 vanilla lattes at StarDollars don’t look so good. (Actually, there’s a fair bit of math in that calculation so any teenager who could do it in their heads probably shouldn’t be washing windows for a living. She should be running NASA.)

My wife, who never misses a chance to promote children, went out to talk to them. “Having children isn’t a financial decision. We had three kids without worrying about that,” she said, cheerily.

“Yes, but you haven’t had your windows cleaned in a decade and that 2009 Impala in the driveway looks like it’s seen better days. Is it an old police car?” said one kid.

OK, he didn’t actually say that, but I could tell he was thinking it.

“Having kids is a big life choice, but it’s not about the money … money, money,” she said, and then started singing, “Ain’t about the uh-cha-ching cha-ching, Ain’t about the yeah, b-bling, b-bling.” While she sang this she was also doing what might be considered dancing — if this was 1982.

At this point, a couple of the boys dropped their squeegees, so I quietly guided her back into the house.

Later, I thought about their conversation and smiled. At some time, every parent lies in bed worrying about decades of work, their RRSP (too low), their debt (too high) and wonders, “Man, where DID all that money go?”

I can tell you where it went. It went to ballet and braces, to piano lessons and painting classes, to karate and Kumon, to child care and hair care (and frankly, I think the hair care costs more) and — during the teenage years — to FOOD. If I had just what we spent on milk and Cheerios, I’d be red hot on the beach in Jamaica instead of in my backyard eating Red Hots.

But in the end, having kids isn’t about money. It’s about being crazy.

People often ask me, “What’s the best thing about parenting?” “Conception,” I say. Seriously, if you decide to be a parent, and God or life or fate favours you with children, then you are lucky indeed. And if you have enough money for food and a home and your kids are loved and safe, then that’s really all that matters. When I was young, someone told me that being a good father was the most important thing I would ever do in my life.

At the time, I don’t think I really believed them. But I do now.

And there’s no price tag on that.

I’m sure most kids don’t give a thought to how much money they cost, until they start, you know, working for money.