Know more about this guy be­fore get­ting mar­ried

The Hamilton Spectator - - GO - el­liead­ DEAR ELLIE

Q . When I started a new job in April of 2016, I met a man there. We don’t work in the same de­part­ment but on op­po­site sides of the same build­ing.

Last Au­gust we started dat­ing, ev­ery­thing seemed OK. Then I dis­cov­ered he’d been see­ing an­other woman in the of­fice. She sat on the other side of his cu­bi­cle.

He said they were not in a “re­la­tion­ship” but they were just hang­ing out, which means they were be­ing in­ti­mate.

He broke it off with her last July. I think there was more to it be­cause she was very up­set and didn’t come to work for a week.

He told me he doesn’t deal with her any­more and doesn’t have any­thing to do with her. But she was very up­set at him. She’s ap­proached me a cou­ple of times to as­sure me that she didn’t want any­thing to be awk­ward be­tween us.

I told her it wouldn’t be be­cause what they had to­gether hap­pened be­fore me.

But I keep hear­ing of­fice gos­sip be­cause this woman is still feel­ing very hurt. She and my boyfriend even got into an ar­gu­ment at work.

I also over­heard her in the bath­room talk­ing on the phone to her mother and it made me up­set be­cause she said that he treated her like “a whore” and that he didn’t con­sider her feel­ings.

Now he’s pro­posed to me and I said Yes.

She left him two very vul­gar, ugly voice mails, stat­ing that he wasn’t a man, and that he was a liar and dis­re­spect­ful for spend­ing the night with me in my home with my seven-year-old daugh­ter.

Other things she said have caused me to think, but he keeps re­as­sur­ing me that she’s just jeal­ous that he didn’t choose her.

They moved her desk at work. Only a few peo­ple have con­grat­u­lated us on our en­gage­ment, but I feel that they think that he wasn’t gen­uine in this pro­posal.

It’s only been nine months since we started dat­ing se­ri­ously. Should I be con­cerned about how he treated this other woman?

A. You al­ready are con­cerned. So, take a pause.

I’m not say­ing to break up … that’s a de­ci­sion you must make with con­vic­tion one way or the other. That’s why you must give your­self this time to think.

He broke off with that woman one month be­fore start­ing to date you. That’s a flat­ter­ing switch, but also a rush.

These nine months to­gether have had a lot of drama get­ting in the way of your get­ting to re­ally know him bet­ter.

Yet, it’s shown his char­ac­ter in ways you’d not have seen oth­er­wise.

While he had a right to break it off with her, he clearly hadn’t treated her kindly. He also let the sit­u­a­tion in­trude into the work­place (though she was also re­spon­si­ble for this. And she’s deeply hurt/an­gry).

A pause of re­flec­tion, along with a fo­cus on what val­ues he’d bring to fam­ily life with you and your young daugh­ter, is es­sen­tial. You need to know more. Call out un­safe driv­ing

Q. A girl with whom I went to high school, and lately have only seen on so­cial me­dia, fre­quently posts videos taken while she’s driv­ing a car.

Some have been taken on a ma­jor high­way and re­cently one was in a park­ing lot where it’s clear that she’s not nav­i­gat­ing the car well, be­cause one hand’s oc­cu­pied with her phone.

I’m won­der­ing if I should call her out on her reck­less driv­ing. I’m very con­cerned she’ll get into an ac­ci­dent and hurt her­self and oth­ers, too.

A. Yes, you should ex­press your gen­uine con­cern — for her own safety and es­pe­cially that of oth­ers.

While we don’t want to live in a so­ci­ety where we’re en­cour­aged to spy and re­port on oth­ers, we do have a com­mu­nal re­spon­si­bil­ity to help avoid ac­ci­dents when pos­si­ble.

Post this: “Your posts of videos taken while driv­ing worry me about yours and oth­ers’ safety. It’s also widely il­le­gal.”

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