‘Moth­ers only’ shower left me out — and un­happy

The Hamilton Spectator - - GO - el­liead­vice.com DEAR EL­LIE

Q. My best friend’s ex­pect­ing her first child in a few months and I’m over­the-moon ex­cited for her. Her sis­ter planned a shower for her but has cho­sen not to in­vite me be­cause it’s “for moth­ers only.”

I only learned about it when my own mother re­ceived an in­vi­ta­tion.

Her sis­ter’s rea­son­ing is that my friend should be sur­rounded and sup­ported by, and pro­vided with ad­vice from peo­ple who’ve al­ready walked that path and can re­ally un­der­stand what she’s about to em­bark upon. This has been like a punch to the gut. I’ve been strug­gling with fer­til­ity for years and the longer it goes, the more I re­al­ize that I’ll likely never get preg­nant.

So not only am I not in­vited to the baby shower (we’ve been friends for over 25 years) but I’m also made to feel worth­less and in­fe­rior be­cause I’m not a mother and have failed at be­com­ing one.

I can’t talk to the friend about it since this is a sur­prise shower.

I be­lieve she’d be up­set about me not be­ing there.

My mother and a few other friends have said I should go any­way, but I don’t want to cre­ate drama and anger when she should be en­joy­ing her spe­cial day.

Am I mak­ing a moun­tain out of a mole­hill?

No, you have ev­ery rea­son to be hurt and an­gry.

Your friend’s sis­ter is be­yond in­sen­si­tive to the point of cruel in­dif­fer­ence, even if she per­haps doesn’t know all about your fer­til­ity strug­gle.

You are nei­ther worth­less nor in­fe­rior. You’ve been an im­por­tant per­son in your friend’s life through years of many dif­fer­ent ex­pe­ri­ences.

Some­one should speak to the thought­less sis­ter about this … but not you.

Your mother could call their mother, or a friend could call this sis­ter di­rectly. The ex­clu­sion should be over­rid­den, even if you do have to show up with­out an in­vi­ta­tion.

That’ll take brav­ery, but if you can han­dle it, you’re the one to be ad­mired. My cousin is com­ing on to me Q. I was go­ing out with my mate, she be­gan to flirt with me (I’m a man), and it made me feel re­ally un­com­fort­able.

She stayed at my house that night, and be­gan rub­bing my gen­i­tals. I told her to stop, but she did not.

She’s my cousin. How do I make her stop with­out hurt­ing her (phys­i­cally), and tell her that it’s just not right?

A. Speak up! Do not let her stay over ever again.

You may have been “mates” be­fore, but her ap­proach crossed the line to com­mit­ting a sex­ual as­sault on you.

Tell her so. And say clearly that you’re legally within your rights to re­port her to the po­lice.

Find other mates. And know this: No one has the right to sex­u­ally abuse you, whether it’s a cousin, so-called friend, or any­one else.

FEED­BACK Re­gard­ing the tall, “a bit over­weight” woman, 31, who’s never had a boyfriend (June 3):

Reader — “Your re­ply ac­knowl­edged how hard on­line dat­ing is.

“I found it rough also, de­spite be­ing 5’2” and nor­mal body weight.

“It took me years to meet my cur­rent hus­band and now-fa­ther of our two kids, when I was al­most 32 and I was los­ing hope, too.

“The only thing I stress is the im­por­tance of not sleep­ing with men you meet too early.

“Men of­ten have a “grass is al­ways greener” at­ti­tude, and when they in­vari­ably walk away af­ter two or three dates, you feel a lot bet­ter about your­self if you didn’t sleep with them (or other stuff).

“They aren’t even nec­es­sar­ily su­per­fi­cial jerks, it’s just our cul­ture, and they will get to a stage where they want to set­tle down.

“One day “So Dis­cour­aged” will prob­a­bly find her­self on a date with one of th­ese Now-I’m-Ready men.”

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