‘Mothers only’ shower left me out — and unhappy
Q. My best friend’s expecting her first child in a few months and I’m overthe-moon excited for her. Her sister planned a shower for her but has chosen not to invite me because it’s “for mothers only.”
I only learned about it when my own mother received an invitation.
Her sister’s reasoning is that my friend should be surrounded and supported by, and provided with advice from people who’ve already walked that path and can really understand what she’s about to embark upon. This has been like a punch to the gut. I’ve been struggling with fertility for years and the longer it goes, the more I realize that I’ll likely never get pregnant.
So not only am I not invited to the baby shower (we’ve been friends for over 25 years) but I’m also made to feel worthless and inferior because I’m not a mother and have failed at becoming one.
I can’t talk to the friend about it since this is a surprise shower.
I believe she’d be upset about me not being there.
My mother and a few other friends have said I should go anyway, but I don’t want to create drama and anger when she should be enjoying her special day.
Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?
No, you have every reason to be hurt and angry.
Your friend’s sister is beyond insensitive to the point of cruel indifference, even if she perhaps doesn’t know all about your fertility struggle.
You are neither worthless nor inferior. You’ve been an important person in your friend’s life through years of many different experiences.
Someone should speak to the thoughtless sister about this … but not you.
Your mother could call their mother, or a friend could call this sister directly. The exclusion should be overridden, even if you do have to show up without an invitation.
That’ll take bravery, but if you can handle it, you’re the one to be admired. My cousin is coming on to me Q. I was going out with my mate, she began to flirt with me (I’m a man), and it made me feel really uncomfortable.
She stayed at my house that night, and began rubbing my genitals. I told her to stop, but she did not.
She’s my cousin. How do I make her stop without hurting her (physically), and tell her that it’s just not right?
A. Speak up! Do not let her stay over ever again.
You may have been “mates” before, but her approach crossed the line to committing a sexual assault on you.
Tell her so. And say clearly that you’re legally within your rights to report her to the police.
Find other mates. And know this: No one has the right to sexually abuse you, whether it’s a cousin, so-called friend, or anyone else.
FEEDBACK Regarding the tall, “a bit overweight” woman, 31, who’s never had a boyfriend (June 3):
Reader — “Your reply acknowledged how hard online dating is.
“I found it rough also, despite being 5’2” and normal body weight.
“It took me years to meet my current husband and now-father of our two kids, when I was almost 32 and I was losing hope, too.
“The only thing I stress is the importance of not sleeping with men you meet too early.
“Men often have a “grass is always greener” attitude, and when they invariably walk away after two or three dates, you feel a lot better about yourself if you didn’t sleep with them (or other stuff).
“They aren’t even necessarily superficial jerks, it’s just our culture, and they will get to a stage where they want to settle down.
“One day “So Discouraged” will probably find herself on a date with one of these Now-I’m-Ready men.”