Lover was strung along in three-year af­fair

The Hamilton Spectator - - GO - el­liead­vice.com DEAR EL­LIE

Q. I started dat­ing my ex while she was sep­a­rated. Our chem­istry and con­nec­tion were amaz­ing.

Her hus­band was ver­bally and emo­tion­ally abu­sive. We quickly be­came very close. Yet, af­ter a while, we broke up and she re­turned to her hus­band.

We kept con­tact via so­cial me­dia. I re­al­ized how much I loved her and felt she was my soul­mate. She re­cip­ro­cated the same feel­ing, say­ing that she’d ask for a divorce.

This af­fair lasted over three years. I knew it was wrong but I hung in be­cause of my feel­ings for her.

Re­cently, I started re­gret­ting that I was in a cheat­ing af­fair. I ex­pressed that, and asked if she felt this was wrong.

She said that she has low self-es­teem and no self-worth be­cause of her life ex­pe­ri­ences and so­cial sta­tus. I re­as­sured her that I’d share my life with her but I wanted her to stop the cheat­ing and get sep­a­rated.

I’ve changed my whole life for her and now she’s said that be­cause her hus­band is ill, things are dif­fer­ent be­tween them and she isn’t con­sid­er­ing divorce.

Maybe af­ter 15-plus years with him, along with their hav­ing two kids, she’s been con­di­tioned to think it’s OK to be that way.

I said I couldn’t con­tinue like this and don’t un­der­stand why she’d rather con­tinue cheat­ing. Now I re­gret that I lost the love of my life. I can’t be­lieve she wouldn’t value the love we had enough to do the right thing.

A. You see this story as a lost great love. I see it as this woman hav­ing played you far too long.

She may’ve once had the will to sep­a­rate but then she re­turned to her abu­sive hus­band and stayed with him.

She opted for an il­licit af­fair with you, and de­cided it would never become any­thing more.

Some might say she was too scared to start over or risk los­ing her chil­dren. That’s pos­si­ble, but lead­ing you on for three years was dis­hon­est and emo­tion­ally cruel.

It’s hard to ac­cept now, but she did you a favour. There’s no healthy fu­ture with a per­son who keeps play­ing both sides. Move on and don’t look back.

Teens hor­ri­fied dad skipped the line

Q. Last year, my fam­ily and I spot­ted an ice-cream store with a lineup out the door.

I only wanted a cof­fee so walked to the cash reg­is­ter, past the peo­ple at the counter. In be­tween cus­tomers, I asked for a cof­fee, paid, and left.

My teenagers were mor­ti­fied that I avoided the lineup, and called my ac­tions rude. Should I have en­tered the line with the other cus­tomers to wait to ask for a cof­fee?

A. I know you’d like me to note how ef­fi­ciently you ob­tained your cof­fee with lit­tle de­lay to the wait­ing cus­tomers. And I can em­pathize with im­pa­tience, which I some­times feel my­self.

How­ever, you were rude. We teach chil­dren to not butt in. But you did.

The par­ents wait­ing in line with their kids surely found you rude. It wasn’t a great ex­am­ple for your teens. Tell them so and apol­o­gize.

FEED­BACK Re­gard­ing the woman not told by her sib­lings that her mother was dy­ing (June 21):

Reader — “Shame on her sib­lings for not telling her the mother’s true con­di­tion.

“She wrote you, ask­ing: Should I ac­knowl­edge them or keep them out of my life?

“I say Value and Im­por­tance are two strong de­ter­mi­nants. Ask your­self, do you value them? Are they im­por­tant to you? Do you miss them?

“If yes, reach out to them. Should your an­swer be No, I need not say any­thing more about con­tact with them.

“Putting the pain be­hind you is a tough one! You’re deal­ing with, and griev­ing, the loss of your mother and griev­ing the loss of your fam­ily all at the same time.”

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