They’re all just pawns living in King Felix’s baseball world
Mongo lives! Nationals pitcher Edwin Jackson channelled his inner ogre of “Blazing Saddles” fame to explain how he’s playing for his 12th MLB team in his 15-year career — one team shy of tying Octavio Dotel’s record. “Sometimes you’re just a pawn, man,” Jackson told Sports Illustrated. “I’ve been traded after bad years. I’ve been traded after a 14-win season . ... “The life of a chess piece. There you go. Because that’s what we are.”
HEADLINES
At SportsPickle.com: “Lavar Ball finalizes 3-year, 3-son deal to date Kardashians.”
At TheKicker.com: “Knicks exploring ways to make Melo even less happy.”
OUT OF THIS WORLD
Thursday marked the 48th anniversary of the first U.S. astronaut to land on the moon. But why’d they have to come back with Dennis Rodman?
ESCORTED OUT
Ole Miss football coach Hugh Freeze resigned after he phoned an escort service, sparking an investigation that uncovered a “pattern of personal misconduct,” school officials said. That just might stand as the worst call of the 2017 season.
TSA ALERT
Woke up in a cold sweat the other night: Dreamt I’d turned on the TV and there was O.J. — driving a white Hertz Bronco through an airport.
CORPORATE RAIDER
Marshawn Lynch, Oakland’s favourite homegrown running back, is buying Scend’s Restaurant and Bar, a local soul-food joint, to keep it from closing. But vehemently denies he plans to rename it Feast Mode.
GOING, GOING, GONE
Ex-pitcher Livan Hernandez has filed for bankruptcy, claiming he has less than $50,000 to show for the $53 million he earned in a 17-year career. Alert statisticians immediately credited him with a blown savings.
2 UNDER PAR
The perfect golfing foursome for a par-5 hole? Donald Driver, Chip Kelly, J.J. Putz and Eddie the Eagle.
BUCKING THE BUCKEYES
Former linebacker Chris Spielman is suing Ohio State over the unauthorized use of players’ likenesses. There went OSU’s plans for Art Schlichter Bobblehead Night.
COSTLY MEAL
It seems only fitting that the Red Sox handed corpulent third baseman Pablo Sandoval a $90-million contract, then had to eat nearly half of it.
COLOUR HIM MISGUIDED
Arizona Cardinals coach Bruce Arians revealed he once drank paint as a kid because he thought it’d make it harder to tackle him. Or, as his pediatrician liked to call to young Arians’ stomach lining, the red zone.
TALKING THE TALK
St. Cloud State goaltender Taylor Crosby, younger sister of the Penguins superstar, in her women’s hockey bio: “Personal: Daughter of Troy and Trina Crosby of Cole Harbour, N.S . ... Older brother Sidney also plays hockey ...”
RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, guessing where deposed Knicks president Phil Jackson disappeared to on vacation: “The Bermuda Triangle.”
Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) World Herald, on the marathoner in Maine who outran two bears: “His big concern? That these were Kenyan bears.”
Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, after Pablo Sandoval said “a few teams” were interested in signing him: “Is he talking baseball or competitive eating?”