I want a partner for life but don’t know how to start

Q

. I’m a single mom with two kids, each from a different father. Both those men have other children with two other women each.

Neither man is well off but they both help me a little financially with the kids. Every once in a while, one or the other will show up at “home” with me.

This setup is pretty common in my background culture. But for those who didn’t grow up with it — many of my colleagues and friends — it’s not common.

The more I’m part of a different North American culture, the more I question this arrangement.

I want to have, and feel that I deserve, a partner for life.

How do I find someone who’ll understand my culture but like me, wants something different for his life?

A.

Be very thoughtful if considering a major cultural change for you and your children.

It may be the lifestyle all around you but your children know who their fathers are and presumably accept that they’re only around occasionally. It’s what you formerly accepted, too.

It’s understandable that now, among people who appear to have or expect long-term live-in partners, and don’t accept other cultural norms, you question your current lifestyle.

But the reality is that divorce and serial relationships are common in the larger culture.

To seek a “life” partner, you’ll have to take the same risks of dating that others face — meeting men through your personal network, interest groups, online, etc.

You’ll need to hope they have no issue with your previous short-term partners’ easy access to their kids (and rethink the dads’ stay-overs).

And help your children’s adjustment to a new lifestyle at home that still respects the culture of which you and they are still a part. Is all this is possible? Yes, of course. It won’t happen overnight, and you still have to make sure a man you think is The One, is trustworthy, respectful, kind to your children, etc.

There’s no shame in being a single mom, working, and raising children mostly on your own. But there is some loneliness and uncertainty.

Still, don’t trade it for a wish. Make sure the partner you choose is the right man for you, whatever his culture.

My reputation’s at stake Q.

A friend ended our long-standing relationship by mail, saying negative things about me with orders not to respond.

I tried once, was thwarted, and gave up. Then I found other friendships/professional relationships were also impacted.

I have reason to believe she may’ve poisoned those relationships, as many have given me the same brush-off — some more painful than others.

I tried to intercept any future problems by saying that I had an acrimonious ending to a friendship, in case they heard untrue statements, but that hasn’t worked.

None of these people have said why their attitude took a 180-degree turn, so I have no way of disputing any allegations.

A.

Some people believe whatever rumour or gossip they hear. But among your social and professional contacts, there must be others who didn’t take the bait.

If possible, try to learn from one of those still in contact with you, just what’s been circulated.

Then, if it’s totally wrong or ambiguously misleading, consider reaching out by email or phone, to some of those who’ve pulled away, telling your truth to them.

However, if you believe any comments about you have been slanderous or libellous, get legal advice about how to proceed.