Well, at least this catch was over the limit
Drunk as a fish? No kidding! An intoxicated 22-year-old woman in St. Augustine, Fla., bit into an angler’s fishing line and swam off with his lure before being apprehended. In keeping with the theme, the St. Johns County Sheriff ’s Office declared her the catch of the day.
HEADLINES
At TheOnion.com: “Wheezing Pablo Sandoval uses entirety of ‘Stairway to Heaven’ for walk-up song.”
At NFL Memes on Facebook: “Cowboys sign Jon Jones to 4-year/$65M deal.”
HELL-BENT FOR LEATHER
Notre Dame will wear Knute Rockne tribute uniforms when the Irish play Navy on Nov. 18. Now comes the tough part: Convincing the players to wear leather helmets.
BOTTOM OF THE BOWL
Your move, Poulan Weed-Eater! The St. Petersburg Bowl has been renamed the ... drum roll, please ... Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl.
MODERN-DAY CUBISM
The Iowa State Fair displayed a replica of the Solheim Cup made entirely of butter. What’s next, an America’s Cup concocted out of caviar?
BRING EXTRA INK
LPGA rookie Sherman Santiwiwatthanaphong will be the first golfer ever disqualified for running out of ink while signing her scorecard.
HECK OF A BUY
Aug. 17, in case you missed it, was National Thrift Shop Day. Apparently some people jumped the gun: A man found a game-used Pie Traynor bat at a Pennsylvania Goodwill for $2.22 and the Mariners bought a pitcher for $1.
HE’S ON THE GREEN
A’s rookie Boog Powell hit his first career home run Monday — and as fate would have it, the ball came down near Boog Powell’s BBQ stand behind right field at Camden Yards. We shudder to think where Tommy John’s first career dinger might have landed.
SOUNDS FAMILIAR
New York City’s mayor says he might order a statue of Christopher Columbus to be taken down. Coincidence? A guy with the same name just got yanked off a Yankees broadcast.
HOW HOT WAS IT?
Weather experts say that July was the second-hottest month ever recorded. “Only second?” asked NL West foes after the Dodgers went 20-3.
TALKING THE TALK
Mike Bianchi of the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel, after Tampa Bay released 2016 draft bust Roberto Aguayo: “Even guys in my fantasy league know not to draft a kicker in the second round.”
Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on the Yankees-Tigers brawl: “Down goes Frazier. (Clint).”
HE’S ON THE GREEN
Pot-loving singer Willie Nelson owns a ninehole golf course in Briarcliff, Texas. We would have guessed Weed, Calif.
KID STUFF
A’s shortstop Marcus Semien ran all the way around the bases for a “Little League home run” last Sunday after the Astros committed two throwing errors on Semien’s routine ground ball to short. In keeping with the theme, players from both teams jumped into the back of their managers’ pickup trucks for a trip to Dairy Queen.
HE’S IN THE DARK
Alabama football coach Nick Saban didn’t make any schedule concessions to witness last Monday’s solar eclipse, saying, “I haven’t thought about it.” Easy to say for a guy whose O-linemen already block out the sun.
ON SECOND THOUGHT ...
The NFLPA executive director says a work stoppage in 2021 when the current agreement ends is a “virtual certainty.” Owners plan to nip that threat in the bud with just two words: replacement refs.
QUOTE MARKS
Blogger Chad Picasner, after the Dodgers — already on pace to threaten the MLB record for wins in a season — added Yu Darvish and Curtis Granderson: “How much help do the Dodgers think they need? Maybe Mike Trout is available.”
Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) WorldHerald, on rumblings the Jaguars might sign out-of-work QB Colin Kaepernick: “So it sounds like his dream of playing professional football again is over.”
NBC’s Jimmy Fallon, after 20-year-old Nobel winner Malala Yousafzai got accepted to Oxford University: “When she puts her Nobel Prize on the shelf, her roommate will quietly put away all her youth-soccer trophies.”
Peter Heck, via Twitter, after ESPN reassigned Robert Lee from the booth at Virginia’s football opener in Charlottesville because of his name: “If this is the new standard for removing broadcasters from the air, I’m now determined to find a confederate soldier who was named Joe Buck.”
Tom Cuddy of Boston’s WBZ Radio, after Norwegian cross-country ski champ Therese Johaug tested positive for a banned substance in her lip balm: “Kiss the 2018 Winter Olympics goodbye.”
Reader Rey, to The Plain Dealer, on the beleaguered Browns’ 2-0 exhibition start: “Does watching the Browns win two games in a row require special glasses, or can I use the ones I have for watching Monday’s eclipse?”