How our silence about death harms children
As adults we have lost the language to know how to support children through loss
We go through an intense period of grief, but we are a bereaved person forever. CLARE FREEMAN EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR OF DR. BOB KEMP HOSPICE
As a society we have relegated the process of dying and grief into the shadows. We don’t like to talk about it. We give people three days of public mourning and then we go silent. As adults we have lost the language to know how to support children through loss.
Many years ago a close friend of mine told me about how in her teens her mother and another close relative died within months of each other. This loss impacted her deeply as she still struggled in her twenties and thirties to make sense of the loss. She recounted the day of her mother’s funeral and how her father, who was a very loving father, sat her and her brother down and said “Let’s show everyone how strong we are and let’s not cry or talk about this”. He was doing what he was taught. However, for her this created an invisible barrier of communication, an isolation and deep sadness.
International grief expert Dr. Alan Wolfelte, told members of our conference in May that “unfortunately, our culture tends to encourage the denial of pain. If you openly express your feelings of grief, misinformed friends may advise you to ‘Carry On’.
In June through a five-week radio talk show series, we brought together a multitude of palliative and grief professionals and those who have experienced loss to open up the conversation about death, dying and grief.
Near the end of the series, we were joined by a mother in our community who had lost her daughter Sarah six years ago at the age of 23 from a 12-year long illness. She was willing to share her story on air in the hope that other listeners might find comfort. The death of Sarah not only affected her parents in a way that they will never be the same, but also her siblings, her nieces and nephews and her friends.
In the series, Rachelle McGuire, the Director of Bereavement and Supportive Care at Dr. Bob Kemp Hospice, related the example of birth. We go through this incredibly intense experience of the actual birth but then we become a parent for the rest of our lives. The same is true for grief. When we experience the loss of someone we have loved we go through an intense period of grief, but we are a bereaved person forever.
For 25 years Dr. Bob Kemp Hospice has worked with families during the palliative and end of life stages as well as throughout the bereavement and grief stages. Our grief work showed us the gaping need for helping children with bereavement. In 2012 we started to offer a children’s bereavement camp called Camp Erin. Camp Erin was founded through the Moyer Foundation and named in memory of Erin Metcalf who died of liver cancer in 2002, at the age of 15. Former major-league baseball pitcher Jamie Moyer, who had met Erin through the Make-AWish Foundation was moved that her wish was that her siblings would be helped after she died.
Camp Erin Hamilton is an annual threeday experience offered at no charge and facilitated by professional staff and trained volunteers of the Dr. Bob Kemp Hospice. The camp is for children ages 6 to 17 all of whom have experienced the death of a family member or friend. Children and youth deal with grief differently to adults. Adults tend to immerse themselves and their thoughts in the grieving process for an extended period, whereas children and youth jump back and forth from grief to play.
This camp combines a traditional, highenergy, fun camp experience with activities that are specifically geared toward grief support. This year Camp Erin Hamilton was held June 9 to 11 at Camp Wenonah in Bracebridge (campwenonah.com). The weekend activities included canoeing, rock climbing, fishing and games, along with Drumming Circle, making memory boxes, luminary bags and dream catchers.
From beginning to end the camp embraces open conversation about their loss. After the camp, families are supported through bereavement programs. Camp Erin Hamilton is made possible only through the support of community grants, sponsorships and donations. We are very privileged to be able to play a meaningful role in offering this program that addresses the gap in providing a platform for children to understand and share a conversation about personal loss. If we can offer help at a young age this can be an instrumental tool for them as they grow up — I know if my friend had this support when she was younger it would have helped her tremendously as an adult.
The more we make space for grief to be openly talked about the healthier we can live.