If the gluten doesn’t kill you, the toaster will

Wi-Fi is the work of the devil! (and other stuff I learned on the internet)

Recently I was in one of those courtesy shuttle vans that car dealerships provide so they can charge you more for your repairs, having a rather peculiar chat with the driver.

I was in the van because my aging car was the subject of several recalls from the manufacturer.

You know the kind of notice: it has the word “RECALL” in big red letters and a huge exclamation mark.

And then it says something like: “Your vehicle has a small defect in the connibular line that runs under the front seat. This may simply result in a minor delay in starting or on occasion it can cause your CAR TO SPONTANEOUSLY BURST INTO FLAMES. Contact your nearest dealership for further instructions.”

The instructions are, “Continue to drive your car as usual, but consider wearing an asbestos parka while doing so.” Or words to that effect.

Actually, the dealer was very nice and the service was prompt and free of charge.

Anyway, we were driving in the van through a lovely subdivision in Ancaster and I commented on how nice the houses were. The driver said, “You know why I don’t like these houses?”

I said I didn’t know. Too similar in design? Not mature enough trees? Not a walkable neighbourhood?

“Nope,” the driver said. “Power lines. See them right there?”

There were, in fact, hydro lines running adjacent to the subdivision.

“They’re terrible for your health. It’s scientifically proven.”

“Really?” I said. “And how do they affect people?”

“Oh, all kinds of things. Poor sleep, headaches, fatigue, mental confusion.” Sounds like my regular day, I thought. “Yes, terrible health effects. There’s all kinds of proof. On the internet.”

Ah yes, the internet, where Gwyneth Paltrow sells magic stickers you put on your body to “rebalance energy frequencies,” and where you’re told not to vaccinate your baby so they can avoid autism, only, of course, as long as they don’t die from a preventable disease first.

There’s so much nonsense out there now, it’s made going to parties almost unbearable. You try downing a martini and gobbling some shrimp while people tell you about their “gluten intolerance,” their “wheat belly,” their “leaky gut” or their “backed-up bowel.” Actually, try eating anything on the buffet table while the guests prattle on about GMO vegetables, toxins in the soil, water and air, and their latest “colon cleanse vacation.” It’s even worse if they bring photos.

Anyway, about a week later, I found myself browsing around in a book store when a woman came in asking for three or four specific cookbooks.

“I know everyone gets recipes online now, but I can’t use a computer. They make me sick,” she said to the clerk.

I thought, “Oh brother,” but then the guy behind the desk said, “Actually, it’s the WiFi. You probably have electromagnetic sensitivity. My wife has it.”

“That might be it. All appliances bother me,” she said.

I was listening wondering when exactly people became convinced that electricity was poisoning them and how everyone I know has watched TV for 50 years without being reduced to a mummified corpse.

The man handed her a card. I asked for one, too.

It had a list of information sources on what it called “electric and electromagnetic pollution.” Here I was worried about global warming, when the real killer was my toaster.

If people being ill-informed was just silly, all of this would be fine. I mean, there’s really not much harm in walking around thinking the earth is flat, that goji juice is a super food or that Miley Cyrus can actually sing.

But the problem comes when people believe that climate change doesn’t exist, that cellphones are frying their brains (well, they are, but not in the way they think), and that electricity is making them ill.

The man told the woman in the bookstore that she could read up on how electricity and computers were killing her.

“OK,” she said, looking at the card. “Where will I find all that.”

“Well, that’s a bit of a problem,” he said, sheepishly. “All the information is on the internet.”

Of course.