Flagged for a personal foul on your own coach?
Maybe football ought to do like baseball and put its coaches in uniforms, too — helmets, pads and all. Hawaii linebackers coach Sean Duggan suffered a dislocated elbow and broken wrist after an ill-fated celebratory leap into Olineman Viane Moala, who was returning to the sideline after a blocked kick vs. Western Carolina. “You advise against chest-bumping a six-foot-seven, 300-pound Tongan,” Hawaii coach Nick Rolovich told Hawaii News Now. “That’s just, as a new haole guy to the island, that’s just not something you should make a habit of. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but he’ll get through it.”
HEADLINES
At SportsPickle.com: “Breaking: Andrew Luck schedules season-ending shoulder surgery so he doesn’t have to play for the Colts.”
At TheKicker.com: “Apparently ‘Who should I start at flex?’ is not worthy of a 911 call.”
POT BUST
Oklahoma State linebacker Brandon Vaughn has been arrested for intent to sell marijuana within 2,000 feet of a school. Cops suspected it was a football player, since he limited his sales to only nickel and dime packages.
LOSING BY A NOSE
Clonbrien Hero, a champion racing greyhound in Ireland, tested positive for traces of cocaine and was banned from competition until he can produce a clean sample. A drug-sniffing dog? No kidding.
MONEY PLAYER
Texans star J.J. Watt’s fundraising total for hurricane Harvey came to a whopping $37 million. In keeping with the theme, he asked them to put it all in sacks.
NINE? NEIN
Adrian Peterson groused that “I didn’t sign up for nine snaps” after getting just six carries in his New Orleans debut. Here’s guessing the Saints didn’t sign up for 3.1 yards a carry, either.
CAUGHT IN A DRY STATE
BYU’s football team averaged just 6.3 points during its three-game losing skid. Or as Cougar fans referred to 6.3 points back in the LaVell Edwards days, a typical drive.
CROWDED? HARDLY
The Chargers drew just 25,381 for their first home opener in Los Angeles, but fear not. “This will be the largest audience to ever witness a game in L.A., period, both in-person and around the globe,” said new Chargers media-relations director Sean Spicer.
PASS THE TUMS
Nebraska paid Northern Illinois $820,000 to show up for a football game — and the Cornhuskers promptly lost, 21-17. As any admonished kid at mealtime can tell you: Don’t play with your food.
TALKING THE TALK
Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) World Herald, after the wrong receiver named Steve Smith was nominated for the Pro Football Hall of Fame: “Here’s one thing T.J. Houshmandzadeh doesn’t have to worry about.”
Syndicated columnist Norman Chad, on Texas’ refurbished football locker-room featuring 126 flat-screen TVs: “It’s essentially Buffalo Wild Wings, without the liquor licence.”
ADDED JET LAG
Jets players said they were “infuriated” and “demoralized” when Marshawn Lynch did a sideline dance during the Raiders’ 45-20 romp last Sunday. What, simply playing for the Jets isn’t demoralizing enough?
YOU MAKE THE CALL
The most impressive NFL milestone reached last week was: a) Browns OT Joe Thomas playing in his 10,000th consecutive snap b) Former Browns CB Joe Haden — traded to the Steelers this year — experiencing backto-back wins for the first time in eight pro seasons.
ROLL PLAYER
Pot-loving pass catcher Josh Gordon is out of rehab and pushing to play for the Browns again. Just one hang-up: The NFL is refusing to print his reinstatement forms on Zig-Zag papers.
ITCH IN A PINCH
The Marlins’ ageless Ichiro Suzuki — who as a Mariner broke the major league record with 262 hits in 2004 — is closing in on another season record: John Vander Wal’s 28 pinch hits for the Rockies in 1995. Even if Ichiro doesn’t eclipse it — he had 26 entering the weekend — he’ll still own the mark for a Japanese lefty over age 40.
IT WASN’T HIS HONOUR
Ex-San Cristobal mayor Raul Mondesi — the 1994 NL Rookie of the Year with the Dodgers — has been sentenced to eight years in a Dominican prison and fined $1.25 million for corruption and mishandling of public funds. That’s what you call a costly caught-stealing.
MAD ABOUT YOU
A study says anger can help make some relationships healthy. Oh yeah? Ever see what happens when Yankees and Red Sox fans get together?
MORE HEADLINES
At SportsPickle.com: “NFL announces Ezekiel Elliott must play for Cowboys for 16 games.”
At TheKicker.com: “Bengals fire offensive co-ordinator, promote settling-for-fieldgoals coach.”
At TheOnion.com: “CBS loses Dan Fouts for season after blowing out larynx on routine anecdote.”
At TheKicker.com: “Eli tries to give pep talk after game, but he can’t find his receivers.”