NAFTA explained … sort of
It’s about us being allowed to sell syrup, in exchange for lost jobs, and cheap sombreros
This week you may have had trouble following the NAFTA talks.
In that case, you might try doing what I used to do when the kids would ask me for rides to school: I just ignored them and eventually they went away. It only took a decade or so.
I’ve tried this, but incredibly, NAFTA is more annoying than teenagers.
So, to give people time for more important things in life — like binge watching The Throne — I’m offering aQ & A on NAFTA. Q. Can you explain NAFTA? A. Are you kidding? I can barely work an ATM machine. Sorry, no problem. NAFTA is the National Association for Flagrantly Theatrical Actors. This includes Dustin Hoffman, Al Pacino, Charles Nelson Reilly and Don Lemon. Q. Doesn’t Don Lemon do news on CNN? A. Yes, but it’s hard to follow because of all the crying. Seriously, NAFTA stands for the North American Free Trade Agreement. It was signed in 1994 by the United States, Canada and Mexico to enhance the free exchange of goods and services. Q. Did it work? A. Yes, Many Canadian and U.S. companies successfully exchanged high-paying manufacturing jobs for low-paying ones in Mexico. In return Canada got large shipments of off-price sombreros and several cases of tequila.
Q. I thought wearing sombreros was culturally inappropriate, even at Halloween.
A. That’s right. Actually everything is inappropriate for Halloween. Most kids have been instructed to trick or treat wearing chinos and a button down shirt. Q: Isn’t that making fun of accountants? A. You’re right. And everyone from Maine. Never mind. I suggest buying bulk candy and keeping the kids home. Q. OK, but what about the sombreros? A. Right. Sorry. Now, they’re only used ironically at Trump rallies and by some Canadian judges who, for reasons unknown, often wear them in court.
Q. I read the American demands are “the worst proposal in any trade agreement” ever. Is that true?
A. Right again. Trump’s Buy American plan would mean Canada can only sell maple syrup and one kind of Quebec cheese — I think it’s a daytime soap opera set in Montreal. The Mexicans are allowed to continue to export sombreros and drug dealers, but nothing else.
Q. What about the U.S. negotiators? They have been called bullying, demanding and rude. A. Yes, and that was just in the lunch line. Q. In the recent photograph with President Trump and Prime Minister Trudeau, is Trump pointing a “finger gun” at Justin?
A. It looks that way, but it’s hard to tell because his hands are so small.
Q. If NAFTA is cancelled, what will happen with trade between the countries?
A. He says he will play Canada off against Mexico at the trade table. If that doesn’t work, Trump is suggesting Trudeau and Pena Nieto arm wrestle. Q. Will Trump join in? No, his hands are too small. Q. Will these talks affect the proposed 200 per cent U.S. tax on planes developed by Bombardier? A. No. Q. Why not? A. Because Bombardier probably won’t deliver the planes anyway. The last thing they built on time was a snowmobile in 1987.
Q. I read that the U.S. is demanding a 50 per cent U.S. content requirement for cars and trucks made in Canada and Mexico. Is that possible?
A. No. Right now, almost all cars are secretly built in China and delivered here by Amazon. Then Canadian workers just glue on the Ford and GM decals. Q. Really? A. No, I’m kidding — I think. To boost the American content, GM is promising that every car will come with a semi-overweight couple from Wisconsin.
Q. Maybe we should think about trading with Korea, you know, to settle things down. A. No, that would be bad. Q. Why? A. Because the only thing that North Korea has to export is Kim Jong Un’s hairstyle.
Q. Wow, that would be bad. OK, do I have to worry about NAFTA in my personal life?
A. Sort of. If it falls apart, either softwood lumber or soft-serve ice cream will be more expensive, but I can’t remember which. Either way, I’m heading to Dairy Queen.