Torn between troubled mom and the aunt who raised me

Q: My mom was never there for me as a child.

She had issues with drugs and alcohol and was just never around.

It was my aunt who really raised me.

Now that my mom is sober and I am in my twenties, she wants to have a relationship with me, but doesn’t want me to be close to my aunt anymore.

I don’t want to lose my aunt over this, so I don’t know what to do.

A: It would be natural that you would either seek to have a relationship with your mom or at least feel compelled to let her have a relationship with you.

While it is terrific she is sober, being sober doesn’t mean that she has worked though all her issues.

So in seeking to have a relationship with you, she is doing so while asserting terms that are not necessarily in your interest.

It may be that she hasn’t come to terms with her not being there for you and hence the valued relationship you have with her sister.

It may also be that your mother has her own unresolved issues with her sister and sees you as being in the middle, unable to have a relationship with both.

Given the situation, I wonder whether you, or your mother, are quite ready to develop a relationship.

You may need to learn how to set boundaries and not succumb to expectations of hers that are not in your best interest. And she may come to realize that sobriety alone doesn’t mean she has worked out the issues of her addictions.

Your mother may benefit from a program like Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous, where she can have the opportunity to hear about and explore the impact of her addictions on others.

You may benefit from a program like Al-Anon, where you can explore the impact of a having family member with addictions and learn how to set boundaries to make healthy decisions for yourself.

In the end, you shouldn’t have to choose one over the other — nor should you be put in the position of having to choose. Have a parenting or relationship question? Send it in a brief email to question@yoursocialworker.com. Due to the volume of mail, not all questions will receive a reply.