Waiting for an episode on Transverse Myelitis

Watching Grey’s Anatomy is an education in the terrible things that can happen to us

Until this summer I hadn’t seen a medical drama on television since the glory days of Marcus Welby, M.D., 1969 — 1976.

Although I was addicted to General Hospital during my time at an institute of higher learning, as a daytime soap, it was more melodrama than medical drama. I watched many episodes of M*A*S*H over its run from 1972 — 1983, but with its dark and humorous treatment of the Korean War, it was more rightly referred to as a “dramedy.”

I loved the theme song to St. Elsewhere but rarely caught a show as those were the early days of my nightly Karaoke ‘career’, and Scrubs made me laugh out loud until the homophobic slurs outweighed the entertainment value.

But thanks to the retirement of Peter Mansbridge on Canada Day this year and the rainy summer that followed, I now have a new habit at the end of my busy days to replace The National. My co-conspirator in life and I sit on the couch, each armed with a bowl of our favourite ice cream, and watch Grey’s Anatomy. We are only starting Season 8 so please do not send me any of your favourite story lines. Just researching for this column alone I have already learned too much that breaks my heart and I can’t tell Renée.

Marcus Welby, M.D., reflected my personal experience of the medical system at the time as someone who had not faced a traumatic medical emergency or illness of my own and lived in a small southern Ontario town. I recall a clean, white office with white, male doctors played by Robert Young (Father Knows Best) and James Brolin (only famous in my mind for being married to Barbra Streisand). Things seemed simple and everyone, including nurse Consuelo Lopez, was kind and helpful.

While the show was an instant hit for covering topics like impotence, depression, brain damage, breast cancer, sexually transmitted diseases, and Alzheimer’s, it pales in comparison to what I have learned from the treatment of those diseases and more on Grey’s Anatomy.

Pass me a 10 blade and I’ll show you what I mean. I am pretty confident I could perform a crime and intubate you if I had the right equipment. My personality type, according to True Colours, says “Oranges” are good in emergency situations so I’m banking on that.

I hardly ever turn my head when I watch the show unless I’m eating sausages at the same time as an intestinal procedure. I now know that an appy is not only short for a nibble of something before the entree or a small program for your mobile phone but also the surgical removal of an appendix.

I’ve learned of a few more terrifying situations which could cause our deaths. However, now if we ever find ourselves in a sinkhole at King and James and I am asked to perform surgery on Renée, I think I’d do better than the poor guy last week.

I am definitely not interested in turning into “pink mist,” the term they use for the remnants of a victim of explosion. Impalement looked fun for the first half of the show when adrenalin was helping everyone feel fine but by the end I am praying for another way to go.

The list of the diseases and the ways to die covered on Grey’s Anatomy are too numerous to mention and we’re not half way through. We keep watching because we’re waiting for an episode that covers Transverse Myelitis.

Last May, Renée was diagnosed with this real life neurological condition in which the spinal cord is inflamed and causes bad things to happen to various parts of your body. For Renée it means both legs from toe to hip and a little further on the left are numb and will cause her pain in walking for the rest of her life. No one seems to know much and the treatment to date is some unpleasant pills that provide little in the way of relief. Don’t worry too much. She is resilient and you can still see her riding her bicycle and striding through town.

At the end of the day we play the next episode and wait in hope for Dr. Shepherd to find the cure.

I am pretty confident I could perform a crime and intubate you if I had the right equipment.