50 of the dumbest things in sports
Does it get any dumber?
Fifty of the dumbest things in sports (ordered randomly for no good reason):
1. Cheerleaders at pro sports games. The whole idea of cheerleaders is way past its spoil-on date. Employing scantily clad women — often at ridiculously low wages — to serve as eye candy on the sidelines is indefensible and unnecessary.
2. Fighting in hockey. Some hockey purists — probably wearing “sweaters” — will tell you it is hockey culture and lets players self-enforce the game. Nonsense. Can you imagine another team sport where the refs stand by and let two players slug it out — in the age of CTE, no less?
3. Stoppage time. Watching the clock wind down to 00:00 in a close game can be dramatic. But in professional soccer, the only person who knows exactly how much time is left is the centre referee. What fun is that? No fun.
4. Baseball’s unwritten rules. Don’t bunt to break up a no-hitter. ... Don’t discuss a no-hitter in progress . ... Don’t admire your home runs . ... Don’t step on the pitcher’s mound. Listen, if the rules are worthy, then for goodness’ sake write them down.
5. Hockey player nicknames. We’ve had some great ones — “The Great One,” “The Golden Jet,” “The Rocket,” “Super Mario.” But creativity seems to be lacking these days, settling for a simple “er” or “S” — “Kaner,” “Tazer,” “Duncs,” “Seabs.” It’s a disappointing, disturbing trend, eh?
6. Champagne celebrations after clinching a wild-card berth. Congratulations, 2017 Minnesota Twins. You have the 10th-best record in Major League Baseball and won’t even advance into the real playoffs, but have at it anyway. Get on your ski goggles and spray this bubbly all over each other.
7. The National Basketball Association’s “Latin night” jerseys. Why do they say “Los Bulls” and “El Heat?” The standard ones don’t include “the.” Go all in with “Toros” and “Calor” or don’t do it at all.
8. “Home-and-home” series. This phrase is often used to describe back-to-back games between the same teams, one at home and one on the road. So why isn’t it a “homeand-road” series? Or better yet, “mi casa, su casa.”
9. Super Bowl halftime shows. Overhyped. Frequently disappointing. And, oh yeah, we probably shouldn’t be tripling the length of the intermission in the most important game of the year.
10. Endless TV coverage of the National Football League combine. It’s a Sunday in March. Please, please, please find something more meaningful to do than watch a defensive tackle from Tulane run the three-cone drill.
11. The golf police. The rules of golf are already convoluted and nonsensical. We don’t need Joe Blow on his couch in Wichita, Kan., watching slo-mo replays and calling in to change a tournament’s results because he saw a few grains of sand move on a player’s bunker backswing.
12. Getting the ball at half-court after timeouts late in NBA games. While we’re at it, why not let NFL teams move up 20 yards with any timeout they take in the final two minutes of the game? Oh, wait. That makes no sense.
13. Conference expansion and realignment. So, wait, the Big Ten now has 14 teams and the Big 12 has 10? Missouri is in the SEC? And Pitt-Louisville is now an established ACC rivalry?
14. The NFL’s catch/no-catch rules. Forget the letter of the law. Dez Bryant caught that ball. All these involved intricacies on whether the ball moved or was jostled or was controlled through “the process” of the catch is all gibberish that is overriding the eye test.
15. Unnecessary-roughness calls on quarterbacks. We’re all for increased player safety and protecting the game’s stars, but asking a hard-charging, 270-pound defensive end to stop his momentum two feet from the QB is ridiculous. And in no forum should a couple of fingers touching the side of a helmet be considered “roughness.”
16. NFL mock drafts. The snapshot of how hollow and meaningless pre-draft coverage is. An example: All the time Bears fans spent the last few years discussing the possibility of Leonard Williams, Danny Shelton, Ezekiel Elliott, Sheldon Williams, Jamal Adams and Deshaun Watson as Bears. Lo and behold, that was all a waste of time.
17. Mayoral bets. Wagering something real and personal would be one thing. Instead, urban clichés are reinforced by whatever is at stake in these inane marketing deals-slash-publicity stunts.
18. Scoreboards urging fans to make noise. As with being told not to chew with your mouth open, an adult should feel insulted or ashamed when a reminder is deemed necessary.
19. Inadequate netting to protect baseball fans. Fans seated closer than ever, divide attention between the game, video boards, phones and vendors — not to mention those with whom they sit. Foul balls rocket off bats. Waiting for a fatality?
20. Major League Baseball not assigning all season openers to teams with domes and warmer climates. The Mets, Tigers and Royals — and their fans — shiver at home in late March while the Astros and Brewers play away from domes. Coldblooded.
21. The Indians’ Chief Wahoo. Whatever the insulting stereotype or caricature of your race, religion or national origin, just imagine it as a team mascot. That’s how offensive this is.
22. The Redskins nickname. See above. Backers say it’s part of team heritage and history. So is charging 55 cents per ticket. Sticking with that, too?
23. Christmas Eve and Christmas football. Why is this necessary or even desirable? How does football align with the holiday? What about Bears-Browns says “Peace on Earth, goodwill toward men?”
24. NFL pre-season. Two significant things can happen in exhibitions: Star players could be lost to injuries or they’re pulled before they’re hurt. So fans pay dearly to see scrubs practice.
25. Empty seats behind home plate. Pricey sections often include an off-camera Bacchanalia, luring away ticket holders. But on TV it looks as if the ballpark is where no one wants to be.
26. Curses. The only curses that belong in sports are the kind that get players and coaches ejected. The rest are fairy tales intended only to soften the blow of failure.
27. Publicly-subsidized stadiums for pro teams and private universities. There are better uses for public money than giving well-endowed private institutions and billionaire owners expensive new corporate suites to sell.
28. Pretending any competition on ESPN is sport. Spelling “cymotrichous” doesn’t excuse you from P.E. Snarfing hotdogs is an eating disorder. Poker is as athletic as telling Tony Kornheiser he’s wrong.
29. Ticket fees. Cutting box-office staff and pushing fans to buy tickets online, then charging a “convenience” fee? Now we know whence the sports math of “giving 110 per cent” comes.
30. More than three uniform styles a season. Teams can sell whatever. If leagues raise awareness and money for causes, great. But many “special” duds look like laundry screw-ups.
31. The CBI. Put “CBI wiki” into Google and the Central Bureau of Investigation pops up. That should tell you about the magnitude of the College Basketball Invitational post-season tournament.
32. The fact the CBI has a best-ofthree format to determine the champion. Coastal Carolina and Wyoming made the finals last year — finals with a plural. The Cowboys won in three.
33. Soccer “friendlies.” Just a silly name for exhibition games, which are silly enough already. At least call it what it is.
34. The Raycom Media Camellia Bowl. The Camellia is a lovely flower, but less attractive than the rose. The analogy works for the bowl game, too. Last year’s “winner” was Appalachian State.
35. People who want a 64-team playoff in college football. Yeah, Mike Leach, let’s render the best regular season in sports meaningless. And let’s make college students suit up 20 times for our personal enjoyment.
36. The rule that cost Lexi Thompson an LPGA major. Thompson was issued a fourstroke penalty after a TV viewer called in to complain about a minor rules violation. Why four? Officials were a day late, allowing her to sign an incorrect scorecard.
37. Ceremonial one-day contracts: No, you didn’t “retire as a (Your Team Here).” Will the media please stop publicizing these nonevents?
38. Vacating wins, titles and awards: Such an empty punishment. As if the NCAA can erase our memories of the Fab Five or Reggie Bush and how fun they were.
39. Military flyovers at regularseason games. Aren’t the anthem and pyrotechnics enough to stir fans? For instance, when costly fighter jets buzz Chicago’s lakefront, who’s the show of force meant to intimidate? Evanston, Ill.?
40. Endless conclusions to many NBA games. A few seconds of play, then a timeout. A few more seconds of play, a foul. Another timeout. Then another. Let the players play and let the game flow. Learn something from hockey or soccer. Ends of NBA games should be exciting — instead they’re tedious.
41. Cubs-White Sox fan feud. Cubs fans make fun of Sox fans because of poor attendance. Sox fans ridicule Cubs fans for not paying attention during games. Both sides have won a title since 2005. Grow up.
42. Bullpen dancing. Relievers have started the tradition of dancing in the bullpen after teammates hit a home run — no matter if their team is trailing in a game or playoff series. Anything for some TV time, huh?
43. The ESPYs. This awards show is more meaningless than all the rest — which is saying something. The four-letter network and its mouse-loving parent company at their worst.
44. ’85 Bears goggles. It has been 32 years since the Bears last won a Super Bowl. Yet the mere mention of Mike Ditka or Mike Singletary or William “The Refrigerator” Perry spurs longtime supporters into “Superfans” voice. Enough.
45. Respect the Indian head. Sure, every sport has its share of silly superstitions. But really, it’s sacrilegious to stand or walk on the Indian-head logo on the Chicago Blackhawks’ dressing-room floor (a la Justin Bieber)? Blasphemy!
46. College football’s playoff layoff. Last year, Ohio State went 35 days between beating Michigan in its regular-season finale and getting spanked 31-0 by Clemson in a College Football Playoff semifinal. While most sports build momentum and excitement leading to their championships, college football foolishly shelves its best teams for a month to clear the way for whocares bowl matchups.
47. The NBA and NHL’s drawnout post-seasons. The NCAA basketball tournament goes from 64 teams to one in three long weekends. The NFL and Major League Baseball take a month, give or take, to crown a champion. But the NBA and NHL drag out the process for nearly two full months. Why in the world did it take 16 days for the Clippers and Jazz to play a first-round series last year?
48. Olympic legacies of debt and crumbling, abandoned venues. The world visits briefly and leaves behind costly stadiums which, despite rosy repurposing plans, often take on a post-Apocalyptic look.
49. MLS’ sputtering season. The season starts in March and ends in October — longer than Major League Baseball — but has only 34 regular-season games, with three in March and four in July, but then seven in September, with little regularity on days of the week.
50. The possession arrow. The jump ball was once integral to the game; now there’s only one a game in college basketball. Instead the decision on what is often a crucial moment comes down to an electronic arrow. How about letting a team earn possession with its athleticism? It works in the NBA.