Tips on how to stay unhealthy this winter
Pondering a poncho purchase gets one’s mind off perfection
Last week I found myself at Hudson’s Bay at Lime Ridge, face to face with a fur-collared poncho I had to have. Like, had to.
The colour and its usefulness were irrelevant, really, but in that moment I knew that if I didn’t buy it, it would end up on my regret-for-the-rest-of-my-life list — a list I couldn’t bear to see grow any longer.
I wasn’t even supposed to be shopping at all. I was only supposed to be returning the winter boots I had ordered online to replace my old boots whose traction was so ineffective that I slipped on ice last January, breaking my wrist in two places (had nothing to do with my, um, graceful walking style, of course, but definitely the fault of the boots). Enough was enough. So I ordered the heavyduty snowmobile boots, thinking I could suck it up and deal with bulkiness of the monsters, especially on a weekend when they were on sale. I was wrong. They didn’t work. So there I was, in the store, during another sale (or maybe it was the same sale — they all seem to blend into one at this time of year), after getting a call from the veterinarian with an update on my small cat, Olive. Or Smolive, as I call her — y’know, ’cause she’s small.
Olive the cat, then kitten, came to live in my home last year, after she was apparently dumped in my driveway by what I can only guess is a super awesome individual. And after much effort to find her true owners and then a brief experiment living with friends, she returned to her forever home where I have learned to put up with her standup style of projectile peeing across the room, her incessant chatter and her ability to get completely tangled in just about anything.
To be honest, I hadn’t fully appreciated how much her little quirks had grown on me until she fell ill early last week, eventually requiring hospitalization, first at my family vet, then an emergency vet, and now at the Ontario Veterinary College up in Guelph. As of this writing she is still fully lost in the woods with no real leads as to what might be causing her illness.
My Fitbit has been yelling at me: exercise hours are down, it says. Sleep hours are down, too. If it had a stress and sadness meter, it would be off the charts. Grocery shopping this week consisted of walking into Bulk Barn and loading up on pieces of chocolate-covered sponge toffee.
And then I found myself in a department store during a sale, staring at a poncho I felt compelled to buy, even though the wearability for said poncho is, like, two weeks in the fall and then two weeks in the spring. I mean, what are you supposed to do, wear it under a heavier coat? No. And a wool poncho with faux fur collar doesn’t exactly scream “summer.”
But emotional shopping and emotional eating go and in hand, at least in my case.
Which is why I kind of lost it when I saw a Huffington Post story on “8 Ways to Survive the Health Minefield that is Winter.”
I can always leave it to HuffPo to shame me with their “how to be perfect” stories, especially when I’m feeling down. So what are their suggestions? “Just vow to be mindful. Aim to make more healthy choices this season than last.”
I can’t curse in a family newspaper, but please know that was my first reaction. The list was as follows: “Prioritize sleep!” Right. You and my Fitbit should get together, thanks. My daily tantrum over running out of snacks wasn’t my first clue to needing more sleep. “Don’t let your ‘norms’ change.” I suppose this means swapping groceries like spinach and chicken for chocolate-covered sponge toffee pieces. Whatever. Like when it comes to spinach vs. chocolate, there’s even a contest.
“Make healthy choices convenient and unhealthy choices utterly inconvenient.”
HuffPo suggests preparing hard boiled eggs as a snack and throwing out Halloween candy. Better yet, just send your candy to me. Message me and I’ll give you the details.
“When you can’t make the gym, try the ‘piggyback’ method.”
Here they mean, like, walking the dog or pacing. Been doing lots of pacing.
There’s more. Work out, don’t care what people think, yada yada yada. You get the picture.
In the end, I did try on the poncho, realized it was not necessary and put it back. I purchased a black cape instead, which I plan to return this weekend — probably just in time for another sale.