Everything had to revolve around uncaring husband
Q: I left my husband five years ago, when I finally realized he was a narcissist who’d never change.
Through the 13 years of our marriage, I thought the “problems” were mostly my fault, as in: I needed to try harder, go back to school, get a job.
I never felt I was complete in myself. I didn’t realize then that it was because everything in our life had to revolve around him. He had an important job. His clients needed him first. His mother came next and then the children. With them, he was “Daddy fun.”
He played games and sports with them when he had some limited time.
But I had to do all the scheduling, the driving, the disciplining, (which he contradicted if it kept the kids from doing something he wanted, like playing a video game).
Over time, I saw in the media that when someone was described as a narcissist, it matched what I was experiencing with him.
With me, his behaviour was uncaring and destructive to any connection I once thought we had.
I have no desire to have a relationship with him again, but we still have to communicate as parents.
What’s your take on whether a narcissist can change?
A: People who can be diagnosed as having narcissistic personality disorder are basically self-involved.
They’re not given easily to change because they don’t recognize that their behaviour is a problem.
They’re at the centre of their own universe.
As one psychologist put it, “Narcissistic functioning at core is a disorder of one-sided listening,” whereby the person doesn’t seem to truly see or hear the other person.
Yet some experts say that it’s possible for a narcissist to learn new skills. Of course, they have to want to.
So, if your ex wanted to believe that he’s a great father, he might pursue learning new skills to feel he’s achieving that goal.
And if those skills make his children feel that he does love them, e.g. if he arranges special outings with them (even if limited), it might be enough for them to maintain a decent relationship.
However, beware of labels. Unless he’s been diagnosed, you may have latched onto a trend of this disorder being overused by people who see all selfishness in this psychological light.
Here are just some characteristics of true narcissists, according to some who’ve studied the disorder: Takes advantage of others to reach his or her own goals, exaggerates one’s own importance, hurts and disappoints others, needs constant attention from others.
By leaving your husband, you’re now able to reflect on what caused his behaviour and damaged your relationship.
However, your children still deserve a chance at finding ways to relate to their father.
No hazard found from cellphones
Reader’s commentary: “I was somewhat concerned about a question where a reader (but not you) says they suffer adverse medical problems from Wi-Fi, and have decided to take it out of their house.
“The point of the writer asking her family to not bring cellphones when they visit, was that it’s nicer to have social interactions without the distraction of a beeping text message. I get that. But as for medical problems due to WiFi, there’s no evidence of that in the world.”
Ellie: “For anyone else concerned about that reference, here’s what the World Health Organization said in a 2014 article entitled Electromagnetic fields and public health: mobile phones. “A large number of studies have been performed over the last two decades to assess whether mobile phones pose a potential health risk. To date, no adverse health effects have been established.”