Well, that season went by fast!
News you need to get through the day …
Talk about bad shots selection. The St. Norbert College women’s basketball team got a fast break from competition — 10 games’ worth — after a number of players at the De Pere, Wis., school got busted for taking part in an alcohol-related incident. Since the suspension means the team won’t play a full Midwest Conference schedule, the Green Knights can’t play in the conference tournament, either.
HEADLINES
At TheOnion.com: “NFL revokes Roger Goodell’s new contract after he fails physical.”
At TheKicker.com: “LiAngelo scores 47 in his first game at LaVar Ball University.”
RUSSIAN TO JUDGMENT
Russia has been banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics for systemic state-sanctioned doping. Officials suspected something was amiss when the women’s skis tested positive for moustache wax.
FABER COLLEGE LIVES!
LiAngelo Ball just got a tweet of sympathy from Bluto Blutarsky: “Three months of college down the drain!”
O.CO AIRLINES
A six-hour Delta flight from New York to Seattle had to make an unscheduled pit stop in Billings, Mont., after every toilet malfunctioned. No truth to the rumour it was the Oakland Athletics’ team plane.
BACK TO THE JUNKYARD
The Browns have fired an NFL-high eight general managers this century. In other words, they don’t believe in buying genuine GM parts.
SOMETHING’S BRUIN
UCLA cancelled its basketball game against Montana because of the California wildfires. LaVar Ball, wildfires — what is it about the Bruins and hot air?
BAH, HUMBUG
Football coach Jimbo Fisher reportedly tossed his Christmas tree to the curb after news got out he was bolting Florida State for Texas A&M. Hey, it was either that or have Chief Osceola light it on fire and stick it in the ground at the 50-yard line.
TALKING THE TALK
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, after explosives failed to raze the Silverdome on the first try: “To get it to collapse, they had to rename it Cleveland Browns Stadium.”
Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on LaVar Ball pulling his shoplifting son LiAngelo out of UCLA: “That quiet you hear is John Wooden no longer spinning in his grave.”
JUST CALL HIM MCADIEU
The New York Giants mercifully fired Ben McAdoo last week. Or as McAdoo apologists prefer to spin it, snapping his streak of 29 consecutive coaching starts.
MORE HEADLINES
At SportsPickle.com: “Browns confirm they will skip NFL draft to avoid drafting any future Browns.”
At TheKicker.com: “Source: ‘Gelo 3s’ are just some Skechers LiAngelo lifted from a Payless.”
QUOTE MARKS
Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) WorldHerald, on rumblings that QB Sam Darnold might stay at USC to avoid being drafted by Cleveland: “The Browns are now bragging about ‘doing our part to keep young people in school.’”
Comedian Argus Hamilton, on unease over North Korea surrounding the upcoming Seoul Games: “At the rate things are going, 2018 could feature the first Nuclear Winter Olympics.”
Jim Barach of WCHS-TV in Charleston, W.Va., on Arizona considering a bill to outlaw wearing a mask to a public event: “Which could make it very rough on the catchers during home games for the Diamondbacks.”
Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on Rafael Palmeiro contemplating an MLB comeback at age 53: “Uh-oh, nobody tell Jamie Moyer.”
Brockton (Mont.) High School girls basketball coach Terrence Johnson, to the Great Falls Tribune, on his players’ reaction after losing 102-0: “They did nothing wrong. At the end of the day, they all went home and asked, ‘What’s for dinner, mom?’”
Golfer Tim Herron, to the St. Paul Pioneer Press, when asked how much weight he’s put back on after losing 30 pounds: “Don’t know — the scale broke when I got on it.”
RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on what landed Oilers goalie Cam Talbot on injured reserve: “An upper-body injury and a lower save percentage.”
NBC’s Seth Meyers, on a poll showing 71 per cent of American men believe they face pressure to act interested in sports: “‘Not us!’ said the New York Giants.”