When it’s not such a happy holiday …
How to cope with sadness that never really goes away
In the past few months, I have witnessed many friends and colleagues experience loss.
Some from relationships or jobs and others from the death of someone they love.
I work at Dr. Bob Kemp hospice and we see families lose someone they love dearly weekly if not daily.
It is humbling work and we see the intense journey through grief that lies ahead of them.
However, culturally we have not equipped people in our society with the skills and supports needed to help the bereaved.
There are all kinds of things we say or do that force people to grieve for a day or two but then spend the rest of their lives tucking it away or “getting over it.”
We need to come to an understanding both individually and culturally that once you are bereaved you are forever changed and there is NO getting over it. We can adjust it into the fabric of our lives, but it never truly goes away.
Now that we are in December, there is a high expectation of being merry and spending time socializing and sharing with family and friends. But this is not always easy.
The holidays can become a hollow or outof-body experience. All that was once normal seems foreign. The things that made you happy are now a source of pain.
You don’t want to socialize but others need it from you. Friends and family try but they too are grieving in their own way and sometimes say things that hurt.
You can go to our website www.kemphospice.org to find supports. Or here are some tips that may help you get through the holidays.
Find someone who can listen and who will not try to “fix you or make you happy.”
Accept the help offered by trusted friends or family who are willing to do things such as host the dinner this year. It will help them too!
Be gentle on yourself — it is all right to just cry some days and it is OK to not want to go out.
Create a number of little rituals to say goodbye. Talk about the person and perhaps bring them into the holiday gatherings in some way. Start a new family ritual that will always mark their passing.
From our work at the hospice we also see children experience the passing of a loved one. Kids are aware of the grief in the home and often try to make it better for the adults.
Many of us don’t know how to talk with children about death or understand that children grieve differently than adults. They can be upset one hour and then playing in the snow the next.
Through Camp Erin Hamilton we help children meet with other children who are grieving because most of the time they are not exposed to others with similar experiences. It can be a very lonely journey.
In June, this camp helps over 50 kids who have experienced different and sometimes tragic deaths. We have seen children transform and gain skills at grieving openly.
This would not be possible without individual donors from the community of Hamilton who support us. One way they helped this year was by purchasing raffle tickets for a Jeep Renegade to be drawn on Dec 28. (Tickets can still be purchased up to Dec 24 at 5 p.m. by calling us at 905-387-2448, ext. 2213.) We would also like to thank the Hamilton Community Foundation for helping us keep our camp available for next year through various funds.
For those of us that know someone who has lost a loved one there is much we can do to help. But don’t expect anyone to get over their feelings.
Know that just as welcoming a child into this world changes your life forever, so does losing someone.
Everyone grieves in different ways and it is never wrong. Offer practical suggestions and sometimes just listen — even when no one is talking.
Remember you can always reach out to us or go on line. I recommend www.Mygrief.ca, www.kidsgrief.ca and a list of 64 things about how to grieve at https://whatsyourgrief.com/64-things-about-grief/.
Most of all I recommend you take the time to reflect on those you have lost or help someone who is grieving this holiday season.
Clare Freeman is executive director of the Dr. Bob Kemp Hospice, Hamilton.