DWIGHT PERRY
It just won’t be the XFL if ‘He Hate Me’ doesn’t play
Fifteen yards for a foreign object, anyone? There are rumblings WWE kingpin Vince McMahon plans to resuscitate his ill-fated XFL, with bigger and better football. Some suggested rules tweaks: •Ropes and turnbuckles to replace the outof-bounds lines. •Sideline tent to examine fake injuries. •Tackles are best-two-out of-three falls.
HEADLINES
•At TheOnion.com: “Father teaching daughter how to drive stick in empty Browns parking lot.” •At TheKicker.com: “Big Baller secret: LaVar selling what LeBron told Lonzo for $599.”
NO KIDDING
Overweight kids often become obese adults, according to research at Australia’s University of Tasmania. So what’ll they tell us next — that lottery picks can turn into NBA All-Stars?
MARLIN OVERBOARD
Just went and saw the new movie “Downsizing.” Coincidence? We were right in line behind Giancarlo Stanton, Dee Gordon and Marcell Ozuna.
LIE THE FRIENDLY SKIES
According to a survey by Australian booking website LastMinute.com.au, some 16 per cent of airline passengers said they lie — such as faking an injury — to get a free seat upgrade. Which probably explains why soccer players tend to fly first class.
NAME-DROPPING
This just in: Raiders wideout Amari Cooper chosen to drop the ball in Times Square on New Year’s Eve.
SEAHAWK DOWN
Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport experienced an 11-hour power outage last Sunday. Or to put it in NFL terms, about eight hours longer than the Seahawks in their 42-7 loss to the Rams.
QUOTE MARKS
•RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, after burglars stole a toilet from the home of ex-NBAer Charlie Villanueva: “Police say no arrests have been made because there’s nothing to go on.” •Panthers QB Cam Newton, to reporters, after receiver Damiere Byrd landed barely inbounds, butt-first, to secure a TD pass: “I guess it pays to have little cheeks.” Former tennis star Anna Kournikova and singer Enrique Iglesias became first-time parents Dec. 16 in Miami — to twins, a son and a daughter. Or as she prefers to call them, mixed doubles.
THAT’S THE SPIRIT
Jettisoned Jets wideout Jeremy Kerley, speaking of his four-week PED suspension, told reporters, “There’s a lot of ghosts around here. Maybe a ghost put it in me.” “Hey, get your own excuse,” said Mantei T’eo. American sprinter Justin Gatlin, 35, who’s already served one four-year suspension, denied he’s using PEDs again. In other words, he came across his Gatlin guns honestly.
QUOTE MARKS
•Blogger Chad Picasner, on why there’s such a glut of bowl games: “Remember, it’s all about supporting colleges and the sport. Or as my Uncle Al used to say, ‘I’m taking Notre Dame and the points.’” •Jim Barach, of WCHS-TV in Charleston, W.Va., after Rangers pitcher Martin Perez blamed a bull on his Venezuelan ranch for his broken elbow: “The next time he wants some milk, he needs to learn how to tell which ones are the cows.” •Janice Hough, of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on the six Dec. 16 games that kicked off the 41-game bowl season: “And if you can name at least half of them without Google, you just might need a life.” •Mychal Thompson, ex-NBA star and father of the Warriors’ Klay, to San Francisco’s KGMZ Radio, on why he could never be a stage father like LaVar Ball: “Man, if I tried one one-hundredth of what LaVar does, Klay would disown me as a parent.” •Eric Edholm, of Pro Football Weekly, via Twitter, after the Rams hammered Seattle 42-7: “The Seahawks were like 50,000 index cards away from winning today.”
KID STUFF
A young patient at the Cleveland Clinic asked LeBron James to dunk on Lonzo Ball. This won’t make anyone forget the hospitalized kid’s home-run request to Babe Ruth, but it’ll have to do.
SLIM ODDS
Hip-hop mogul Sean “P. Diddy” Combs says he wants to buy the Carolina Panthers — and sign QB Colin Kaepernick. Odds of other NFL owners letting that happen, insiders say, are even smaller than the Browns’ winning percentage (.033) the past two seasons.
THE WRITE STUFF
•Jack Finarelli, of SportsCurmudgeon.com, after write-in votes placed Tide football coach Nick Saban third in the recent Alabama U.S. Senate election: “Would you be shocked to learn that Bear Bryant finished fourth?” •Reader Tom, to the Cleveland Plain Dealer, on the 0-14 Browns: “Now that the Browns have clinched the No. 1 overall pick in next year’s draft, should Hue ( Jackson) consider resting his starters?” •Brad Dickson, of the Omaha (Neb.) WorldHerald, after Patriots coach Bill Belichick was spotted shopping for a Christmas tree: “A little different: Instead of a star, Belichick places a little hoodie atop the tree.”